From broken homes to broken relationships

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I came across an article about kids who came from broken homes, where many expressed feelings of not being able to connect with others and yet having an urge to form relationships with them.  It’s sad to acknowledge this, but this is a segment of society that should be noted, for they oftentimes lack the love and comfort of youth that many take for granted.  Because they had no security and/or sense of belonging, they would question themselves and their self-worth.  Most of these individuals went on to become functioning members of society, but some expressed the desire just to be loved even though they knew they didn’t have the skills to deal with relationships.

How can you allow someone to love you if no one else has shown you love as a child?  To know that you are not good enough causes you to rethink every relationship and every move you make.  Are you doing enough?  Is this the end?  Are you disposable?  I think these people can love like no other, but some of them cannot allow themselves to be loved because they think they are not worthy of being loved.  Because of this, they may sabotage relationships, retreat back into themselves, and recreate their early childhood again.  Then, they may ask why no one loves them when they are actually seeking out the unconditional love of a parent and not the conditional love of a romantic partner.

If they can grasp that, they may be able to stop projecting onto their romantic partner and see what they are doing to cause the demise of their relationships.  Secondly, they will need to start loving themselves in order to know they are capable and worthy of receiving love.  To do so, they must forgive themselves what they don’t know and deal with the trauma of the past.  If they can start accepting who they are, they will be able to view relationships in a different light.  A parent’s unconditional love is such a strong beacon that it calls to us our whole lives, and when it is absent, it leaves us in the dark on how we should care for ourselves and what love we can accept from others.

28 is when girls lower their standards

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I was telling my boyfriend that when girls hit 28, they suddenly realize that they are two years from being 30 and they are still unmarried and childless, so they lower their standards to reach that goal.  His sister was telling him that she knows this chick who is intelligent, beautiful, accomplished, and yet, she was pining away for this guy who didn’t really want to be with her who didn’t quite have his life figured out.  I asked, “is she 28?” He texted her that question and she texted back yes.  Of course, she’s 28, because that’s when girls realize their options are running out.

Go to the bar and just ask random girls their ages. If they’re 28, you’ve got a way better shot with them.  Here’s the part I get all touch-feely: girls feel the pressure of society to be married and have kids to be successful, thus they greatly feel the age limit of 35 child-bearing years pushing down on them.  Because of this, they sometimes aggressively push for it at the magically designated age of 28.  My boyfriend was like, ‘does that apply to you because you’re Asian?’  I told him no, because we get married at 15, so I’m way overdue anyways.  And I just want to say for the record, settling is not that bad.  Oftentimes, girls get this idea into their head that they are going to meet this perfect guy who intuitively understands them, and that isn’t the case.

Girls think that guys think the same as them, so when they are offended a potential suitor did something, they think it was done on purpose, so they cut them off immediately.  Don’t be so quick to judge guys because they do not think the same as women.  You should always have standards on which to judge a potential mate, but also know that they can be flexible.  In the first stages of dating, a girl wants a man who shows just the right amount of attention: not too much and not too little, so they know they are liked, but not too much so that there is still chase.  A lot of guys don’t realize this, and the ones that do know how to play the game play it much better than most girls do.

You spent your whole life wondering if he really likes you when you should ask if you really like yourself.  If you like yourself, the right one will eventually come around, just give him a chance.

How to Change a Man

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Is your boyfriend not treating you right? Is he not living up to your standards?  Do you want him to just try more and want him to change to suit your needs?  Well, this is the article for you because I can show you that there is absolutely no way you can change him while you are with him.  That’s right, he will not change for you.  You can post as many memes as you want about him not appreciating who you until you’re gone, but I think you don’t appreciate who you are to stay with him if you are not satisfied.  Ladies, guys will not change for YOU, they only change for THEMSELVES!  You can try every which way to try to change them, but what incentive do they have to change when they already have you?  Because you threaten them that you’ll leave is not good enough because guess what, you’re still here.  Pretty soon, they see your threats as empty because you say them so often.  And another meme is born.  There’s another one.  What you need to realize is your own worth and what you’re willing to put up with.  If this is not what you want out of a mate, then find someone who does possess those qualities, because I assure you that man is out there, but the more you spout things like ‘good guys don’t exist,’ the more you buy into the idea that you deserve someone who is not worthy of you.

Here’s the mistake some women make: they don’t leave for long enough. You may leave him for a month and he may profess his desires to change, but you’ll eventually find out he didn’t really change.  If you intend for the relationship to work, you have to leave for a longer period of time,  and maybe in that time, you’ll realize what you actually want.  But you fear that he’ll change and be good for another girl, but not you.  So what?  He wasn’t what you wanted when you were with him and he only changed when you left and that isn’t what you deserved.  In the meantime, concentrate on building who you are and what you’re willing to accept from others.  You teach people how to treat you because if you constantly let someone walk all over you, you let them know that you’re willing to accept that.  Most importantly, learn how to properly treat yourself because no one else is going to value you if you don’t value yourself.  In conclusion, you do not have the power to change a  man-unless you leave him and give up all rights.  If you can accept that, you can start to change your own life instead of his.

What does an abusive relationship look like?

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I saw a comment asking why people stay in abusive relationships and that it was their fault for marrying someone who was abusive because they knew they were abusive beforehand.  That’s not now physical and emotional abuse starts.  If you were to go on your first date with someone and the first thing they did was slap you, you would probably not go on the rest of the date, but if this same person were to hit you three months later, you might react differently then.  Abuse happens gradually over time and can happen to anyone.  I believe there are some persons who are more predisposed to abusing others because they feel inadequate about their lives and insecure with who they are.

Abuse first shows up as small signs of control where they limit their mate’s time with others, want to know where they are at all times, and question their safety.  These can have the effect of appearing caring to the other party because they think they are concerned about their well-being.  There are certainly people who do these things and never abuse any one, but those who are pre-disposed to abusing others will eventually escalate the intensity of these acts.  Soon, they will find they are cut off from their friends and family and feel as if they only have their partner to rely on.  It can then escalate to emotional abuse, where the abuser says unbecoming things to lower their self-esteem.  When the person feels like they have no one left and they are not worthy of anyone, they will be more predisposed to being abused.

It starts out with just one slap. Lots of apologies.  Maybe flowers.  Promises that they’ll never do it again, and then they accidently trip you some time.  They say you make them so angry that they punch multiple holes in the wall, blaming you for their actions.  They ask you to change who you are to suit them and their needs, but you find you can never satisfy them.  You constantly doubt yourself and ask how you got into this situation and feel even more depressed about it.  You barely see your friends anymore and when your family asks about that bruise, you lie that you ran into a wall.  You don’t want them to pity you and stop seeing them.  Physical and emotional abuse are an escalation of a system to control a person’s self-worth.  Every time you make a decision to stay, you unknowingly agree to a an even higher level of abuse to keep your self-worth low. The only way to break free is to see value in who you are.

When the universe cheats you of your soul mate

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A lot of people feel cheated because they didn’t end up with the one they thought they should be with. They end up jaded and feel as if they are owed something.  I can tell you many things such as you’re only hurting yourself or you’re not really opening yourself up to new opportunities, but I know this will not change your mind.  I can tell you that if you don’t change the way you think about being cheated, you will eventually find someone new.  Someone who will try hard to prove to you that they’re just as good as your ex, and you’ll dismiss them because you feel cheated that you didn’t get what you wanted.  They will try harder to make you love them and you’ll try harder to make them leave until they finally do leave you.  And then, you’ll realize what you did and try to win them back, but it’ll be too late.  I’ve seen this happen a million times and a million times it’ll happen again.  The one that got away is just a person.  You may have felt as if they were your soul mate, but they obviously didn’t see you as theirs.  When you continue to feel cheated, you cheat yourself out of a new relationship.  Instead, feel grateful for what you had and lost.  If you continue to feel like the universe owes you, you’ll always be hurt and that means that you let the shadow of someone from your past control your feelings.  Why give this imaginary figure the power of taking your happiness?  For that is all they all: an imaginary figure you’ve built into something  untouchable that no mere mortal can live up to anymore, not even your ex.

When you’re with someone who is not on your level.

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You want your partner to reach their potential, so you are always pushing for them to better themselves, but people do not appreciate that.  People usually only change if they are forced to, so they may see your help as obtrusive and an attack on them.  They ask why you’re always harping on them when you are only trying to help them.  Eventually, you end up unhappy and they resentful because they know you are not happy with who they are.  So when they are not happy and see this imbalance, some of them will try to bring you down to their level by lowering your self-esteem.  It is a defense mechanism, and does not mean that they are a bad person.   It’s not done out of malice, but from a source of fear.  It’s important to remember that when you look back.  Most people never intend to set out to purposefully hurt you.  They only hurt you because they do not know any better.  To see it this way lessens the hurt you hold after a relationship ends.  When you are with someone who is on the same level as you, you can simply enjoy the relationship instead of constantly bickering about the person changing.  Leaving someone does not mean that they as a person are beneath you.  It only means the person they are right now does not value the same things that you do and you deserve someone who does.  They may change and you may miss out on who they may become, but you did not deserve the person they were when you were with them.  You deserved someone on your level.

Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number

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Anyone who’s kinda old(like me) remembers Aaliyah’s song Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number and her famously short-lived marriage to R. Kelly. So, does age matter in the realm of love?  You can definitely fall in love with anyone of any age, background, color, or whatever other signifiers you want to speak of, so in that sense, no, age does not matter concerning who you love.  However, the proponents of those who argue it are also implying that it doesn’t matter in a relationship, and that is flat-out wrong.  To set it straight, age does not matter where love is concerned, but it sure matters in a relationship.  In a relationship, your age, background, color, and whatever signifiers you want to speak of do matter because it is all these things that make you who you are.  Love itself can be colorblind, but you must be blind if you can’t acknowledge your differences in a relationship.  Age does matter because those who are young are still highly impressionable and have little to no understanding of their own needs let alone what the needs of a relationship entails.  Because they do not have the learned experience of someone older, it is much easier to manipulate these individuals if the other party is significantly older.  You can continue saying age doesn’t matter, but do not imply it relates to the relationship as well.

How to Make a Relationship Work

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How do you make a relationship work? I have absolutely no idea. All I know is what not to do because boy do I have a lot of experience with that. I think if I had a daughter, that’s what I would tell her. You’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to fail and it’s okay. The only thing I hope for is that you find yourself in the process. Find your voice and acknowledge your desires and wants. You’re going to be an imperfect being who’s dating other imperfect beings and there will be mass chaos. Imagine a world where Love spreads like a contagion such as the Walking Dead and the only antidote is logical thinking or in this case: loping off people’s heads one at a time. I digress, but love really changes our perceptions and logic is something that can’t really affect love.

First off, try to work on yourself by accepting your past and building your self-esteem. Know what your goals in life are and gradually know what you want in a partner. Do not tie yourself to the idea that there is only one person out there for you and you have to make it work at all costs. Do not tie yourself to another person when you are both extremely young. Chances are that you’ll both be two completely different people in a few years and you may not be compatible. Discuss what you expect from each other instead of just running into the situation when it comes up. If a relationship isn’t working, communicate this and let them know the consequences. If the relationship does not progress, end it. You are only keeping the person from growing as a person when you stay with them. What are you willing to sacrifice to be with someone? Life is too short to spend on people who aren’t willing to change, and change does not come overnight. If you break up with them for one month and go back, chances are they didn’t learn their lesson and things will be exactly the same.

Support each other’s goals and have mutual goals. Take time out of the day to say that you appreciate things they do. Make sure they feel that they are a priority to you. Try new things together. Have inside jokes. Pretend. Have fun. Life can be miserable enough that you don’t need to miserable with your partner. If you are, it’s okay to part ways. If you truly do care for them, you can support their growth still by staying away. I see so many relationships that aren’t working and yet, they still stay like magically, it’ll all work out some day. In the history of the world, that’s worked out like never. And yet, we keep doing this to ourselves. And when we finally do break up, we’re bitter beings who are jaded and don’t give our all to the next relationship. You only cheat yourself when you’re jaded. If you listen to what you want out of a relationship and what your partner want, that’s a start.

 

The Path to Finding your Voice

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I stayed in a stagnant relationship that wasn’t working because I pushed my wants and desire aside for the good of the relationship. I wanted it to work at all costs, even at my own happiness.  When I did this, I allowed my voice to be silenced at times.  Before that, I didn’t even know what I wanted from a partner or myself, so what did it really matter?  All of our lives, we are told to be mindful of others, but we are not taught to listen to ourselves because that is selfish.  When does selfish become selfless?  When you lose all traces of yourself for the betterment of something else?  And who is truly happy in such a relationship?  I can tell you that neither of us were happy because we simply existed for existence’s sake.  What I finally figured out was that my voice matters.  Not to anyone in particular, but to me, and if I didn’t honor it, I would never have control over my life.  When I exercised my desires, it was to the detriment of the relationship, but it was the first time in my life I felt powerful.  When you listen to your wishes, you start to value yourself and those around you will also take notice.

Especially as a woman, we are taught to do for others, but we are not taught to develop our own self-worth. If we never develop it, we are constantly trying to live up to someone else’s standards and failing.  As an Asian person, I was always taught to be deferential to my elders and males in particular, and as such, my voice was further dampened to leave way for those who were supposedly more important than me.  To object was to threaten the whole system, and yet, no one is happy who cannot express their true opinions.  This happens to those who are gay and cannot show their love, to minorities who cannot speak about social injustice, women who talk about the glass c ceiling, and those in the periphery who feel as if they have no voice.  Power is not merely the empowerment of people through laws, social norms and such, but it starts at the tiny, quiet, and small idea that you are worthy of your own opinion whether it is wrong or right.

You deserve to be heard. Perhaps not by the world, but by those around you.  If they refuse to listen, listen to yourself.  Know that your opinion is valuable and it is you who must value it the most.  Teach your children and especially your daughters that their voices are also valued treasures and something that they must develop and keep in tune.  The search for happiness can result in momentary pleasure, but the self-worth one feels through honoring their own voice lasts forever.  Just know that every voice starts out small, but it is the individual who allows it to grow.  If I had known that when I was younger, I may have left him years earlier, but it is not something I regret.  I developed my voice at my pace and all that matters is that I have it now.