The process to tackle issues that you’ve been battling your entire life is terrifying, nerve-wracking, and anxiety-producing. The fact that you have to face these demons from the past may cause us more hurt than we’re willing to deal with right now, so what do we do? We push it away so we can remain sane for a moment. We deny it so we don’t have to deal with it. We use drugs, sex, and food to self-medicate. We end up lying to ourselves because we can’t face the truth. When we refuse to ever look at the underlying issues, we become a shell of who we once were. We are trying to protect who we are now from what happened to us before, not realizing that we are damaging ourselves more in the process. However, change comes at a price
Change is messy, painful, and scary. We must be ready to face change if we want it, but realize it is not in the cards for everyone. Change can only be done if we’re in a relatively safe place. If we are constantly in a state of flux such as homelessness, being battered, or on drugs, change will be very hard to come by. For some, change means confronting terrible things done unto them that they must revisit, bringing even more shame, anger, and fear, so they don’t change. We shouldn’t judge those that can’t change because we don’t know what they are going through. If someone never chooses to change, that is their decision and we must make peace with it.
But if they do decide to change, they will revisit all the hurts they have experienced before and bring back the ghosts that have haunted them all their lives. This painful experience may cost them relationships or undue hardships, but that is what comes with change. There are a million of us out there who refuse to change or acknowledge our pains and as such, we continue on, carrying this hurt and trying to cover it up, only for it to spill out in our lives in ways we could not predict. What we don’t realize is that even if we don’t face the hurt, the hurt will always be there right beneath the surface and if we don’t do anything about it, it will change us so much that we won’t recognize who we are anymore.
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An article recently came out about white van posts on Facebook that were causing parents to fear for their children’s safety. According to the article, there was little proof to back up these claims bu tthe fear that these posts created caused mass chaos online and real hysteria in real life. I’ve seen the shared posts myself, telling an elaborate story about how someone evaded being kidnapped or trafficked to the relief of the poster, but played as a cautionary tale to those who shared and read it. When posts like these cannot be verified, people believe in the truthfulness of the poster and would not question why someone would post something untrue. In their sense of duty to warn others, they share the post and continue to propagate unfounded fears.
In one post, someone talks about how they think were almost tricked into being trafficked, but didn’t get out of the car, foiling the perpetrator’s plans. My question is ‘how do you know the reason they were taking you was for trafficking?’ What if they just wanted to kill you? But trafficking is a buzz word and to include that in a post will get more shares and likes even though that is not how most trafficking cases occur. Most victims of trafficking know their abusers and a large percentage of them may be at-risk youth who can be missed, involved with drugs or selling drugs, or leading lives that would put them at risk for trafficking. There are a few instances where girls are taken without any of these attributes and trafficked, but even in those cases, they knew at least one of the persons that trafficked them.
The point is that no one is questioning the veracity of these claims that are striking real fear into everyday people and when they do, they are met with a wall of anger because many feel as if the post, whether true or not, are simply trying to inform people. The truth is, if we blindly share those posts without really thinking about what we are sharing, we are contributing to a larger problem that creates fear and distrust for our children, our neighbors, strangers, and ourselves. When we believe these unfounded lies, we start to live as if we must guard ourselves at all times against potential crimes that may never materialize. These types of activities are definitely happening in the world, and we should be vigilant about them, but we shouldn’t live in fear of things that your friend shared but didn’t even read through.
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If someone actually reaches fame, fortune, or success, those around them may say that it has changed them and that they are not the same anymore. This is meant to be disparaging to the individual, but what they don’t know is that success should change a person. Actually, what is happening is that the individual in question hasn’t really changed, but the nature of their relationship with others have changed. One might say that it shouldn’t change at all and have no impact on relationships, but those do not understand that those things must change. In fact, if you don’t alter relationships, you will find yourself at a disadvantage.
There are a myriad of reasons besides success that change and alter relationships, but people tend to cling on to the idea of what the relationship used to be instead of what it has progressed to now. An example would be a mother who’s child is turning into an adult. She may still want to treat her child as a child because that’s what she’s always done, but the child is growing up now and the nature of their relationship has changed. The child yearns to be treated as an adult and the mother yearns for her baby, causing a chasm of how they treat each other. Another example is when a couple gets married. One person may want to continue living as they did before they were married and the other expects them to follow different rules but does not lay them out. The persons themselves in both scenarios haven’t changed, but their relationships have.
As with success, it’s not that the person has changed, but their wealth or power has increased, altering every relationship they have. If they continue on the same way, they will find that their old relationships will not survive. To be successful is to be known and that in of itself completely changes every interaction you have with others who never knew you before. Subtlety, it also changes your personal relationships. Sometimes, people don’t understand this and continue going on the same way only for the relationships to fall apart. Success can be a boon and a burden, but if boundaries are set early enough, those around you will understand that things are different now. They may view it as if you have changed, but that is not the truth. You are simply protecting your relationships with them.
I’ve looked in the mirror after gaining 15 pounds and didn’t recognize who I was. I’ve had a growing child inside me that made me feel physical uncomfortable and mentally out of place. I’ve had skin issues where I couldn’t live my life as I usually would and felt as if others couldn’t see the real me. There are so many moments that make women feel as if we aren’t ourselves. These moments occur with alarming regularity and sometimes, we feel it all our lives, never feeling quite at peace with who we are. When we’re in this head space, we put our lives on hold, our plans in limbo, and never quite acknowledge who we are in the moment.
The feelings may pass and we may eventually come back to feeling like who we are, but the experience itself is very real and disorienting. How does it feel to never feel like yourself? To feel as if you’re hiding within your own body, just waiting to come out once you know it’s really you? To feel as if this body, this skin, this shell isn’t really you. You can see it when women gain weight and they refuse to buy clothes to suit their different size. When women save jeans that they no longer wear in hopes that they return to that person. When girls only post pictures from a certain period of their lives because they don’t like how they look now.
We sometimes exist in this space that does not allow us to move forward, only dwelling on the past and who we were, making us feel as if we somehow aren’t good enough. The journey back to who you are is personal and different for everyone, but the disorienting feeling is universal and very real. It matters that we don’t feel like ourselves. To just admit that admits that we feel off. Some of us live our whole lives feeling off, not knowing how to even come to terms with this. This is the most important step, to simply acknowledge our feelings and the space we are currently inhabiting. It may not be where we want to be, but it is where we are and we have to at least accept it.
I heard someone pose a question to a celebrity, asking how they as an individual, who didn’t have any clout or resources, could help change the world. As a person who was not a celebrity or rich, this kid wondered how he could help add to the good of everyone else. Although you do not have the resources or reach of those in the media, you can affect change simply by being yourself. Yes, you can volunteer and donate if you can and those things are crucial, but what is more crucial is you and how you act. Believe in who you are and live your truest life. That means holding dear to your ideals and morals. Not someone else’s morals, but simply your own. Own who you are and do not be afraid of what comes your way.
When you respect yourself and those around you, always abiding by you own edicts, you teach others that it is possible to be a great human being. When you know who you are and your role in your community, that is a powerful thing and others can sense that. It manifests itself in everything that you do. When those around you see that, they can be encouraged to the same and they in turn, can influence those around them. You then create a ripple effect that reaches out infinitely, just by being yourself. The change in this world does not usually happen through great, monumental shifts. Usually, they happen in tiny whispers that barely anyone notices until the world we know is completely different. Those whispers are contingent on being true to yourself and holding yourself to your own rules. That is the test of a great person: someone who can do as they say. If no one notices, you have lived your life as you wanted. If one person noticed, they can see the possibility of doing it as well.
We’ve gone on without her. You start to laugh again. You start to plan for events. You start to live and all the while, in the back of your head, you know that she is still gone. It’s Thanksgiving and she isn’t here. I still remember the last time I saw her and think about all the things I could’ve said to her and didn’t because we would see her again. Except, we didn’t. Her absence reminds me of how short life is and how trivial my troubles are in comparison to what has occurred. How does one carry on when something like this has happened? Life goes on and yet, it seems so strange that it does.
Still, there are no answers. Nothing to say what happened to her. I’ve supplied statements to the media, appeared on television, and posted many things about her, and it has been emotionally exhausting to try to continue fighting for her, but fight I will. The investigation continues and all I can hope for is the truth. The truth may not be what I want to hear, but it will be found out eventually. In the end, I hope I have done enough by her to in her death to make up for what I could not do in her life. There are so many regrets and what ifs and it keeps me up at night thinking about what I could’ve done. I don’t think about saving her, but I think about how I could’ve gotten to know her better. In death, regret robs you of all your options, for you can’t take anything back. She is gone, and so is any future of reconciling my thoughts about her.
And soon, her birthday will pass, as will Christmas and New Years, and she’ll still be gone. We continue to wait for answers, but I realized we haven’t had a chance to say good-bye. I’ll be doing that soon privately. I didn’t get the chance to say that the last time I saw her and no one got the chance to say good-bye. I want to tell her that we still love and think about her. I want to tell her that she is not forgotten and that I will continue fighting for her. I may not have known her as well as I should’ve, but she was my family and I will fight until my last day for my family. I hope you know that Caitlyn Xiong. I hope you know.
Fear is one of those archaic primal instinct that has kept humans alive for over centuries. Fear is ingrained into our DNA whether we like it our not, and although we like to believe we are move evolved than that, we simply are not. We seek out fear. We court fear and we can influence people through fear. The more we deny this small truth, the more those who understand the power of fear can use it to control us. What is at the root of fear is the desire to stay alive. To stay alive, we will do almost anything and everything to assuage our fears, such as lynching black men in the 40’s and 50’s because we fear they are taking over. Fear is stalking Muslims who are our neighbors after 9/11 because we think they may do us harm. Fear is closing our borders because we are told that foreigners are meaning to do us harm.
To understand fear, we must understand how the instinct has worked for so long. We as a race have used fear to survive and thrive, and because of it, we seek out fear to keep us alive. We want to be scared to within an inch of our lives on roller coasters, haunted houses, and paint ball games. We want to know fear, but a controlled fear because it is exhilarating. I saw a post on Facebook where someone said a group of men were trying to kidnap children into sex slavery. There were various comments stating the police had already investigated and saw that it was merely a bible group who was aggressively trying to recruit, but many people did not heed these messages and continued sharing. We live for fear because it keeps us alive and we excuse those that rile up the fear in us because we thrive on it.
Those who understand what a powerful tool that fear is use it to control the masses and push their agendas. Some ask how people can be so easily fooled when history has proven these tactics over and over, but these people underestimate the power of fear. Fear will trump logic and it will continue to happen as we progress as a race. The answer is not to bring more logic, but to understand how fear really works. If you know that logic is usually thrown out the window regarding fear, you will see how people will use fear as grounds to do unspeakable things. I don’t know how to counter fear, but I know denying it will not help. Fear is innate and will always be with us, so we might as well acknowledge it for what it is.