Why Do Some Women Need a Man?

Not everyone needs a partner and while it’s certainly nice to have one, it’s not necessary to have a happy life. And sometimes, a partner is not only someone who takes an emotional load off of you, but also a financial load. In this capitalist society, it seems you may even need a partner or roommate to afford a home and live the lifestyle you want. However, there is a difference between needing a partner economically and needing one emotionally. The first allows you to lead a more enriched life, but the second leaves you emotionally dependent on them. So when does it become toxic, because don’t we all want a strong, emotional connection with our partner? Although it’s nice to have the connection, when you depend on your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs to the point that you prioritize their well-being over yours, it becomes toxic. When this happens, everything becomes contingent on the other person staying in the relationship.

While this scenario may happen to men, it happens most often with women. Women tend to form more emotional bonds and find others to fulfill these roles. And so we must ask why they do this? Oftentimes, these women have unfulfilled emotional needs that stem from their childhoods in the form of unfulfilled parental love. Sometimes, it could be a traumatic event that opens a gaping hole in their psyche. Or perhaps they never learned about boundaries and accepting what is given to them. Whatever it is, it leads these women to feel as if they are lacking and it’s easier to find someone to try to pave over the hole than it is to investigate it themselves. On top of that, society rewards us for coupling up and finding a partner, so you feel fulfilled internally and externally when you do find someone. We’re expected to find someone and no one really questions who it is. Because of all these reasons, hetero women tend to seek out an emotional connection with men because we’re wired to.

Even though many of us seek out these emotional connections for healthy reasons, some of us do so because we think it fulfills a need that we cannot complete ourselves. It is perfectly reasonable to want to be emotionally connected to your partner, but if everything hinges on if that person stays or not, ask what you are missing within yourself. As humans, we will always seek out the company of others because we are social creatures, but some of us are masking our own emotional holes with relationships that are band-aids. That makes us ticking time bombs as we try to show the world that we’re doing ok, but internally, we are in so much turmoil and try to deflect with external relationships. Introspection can be a daunting task, but it truly is a form of self-love that will eventually lead us to our true self and that in turn will lead us to someone who will ultimately complement our lives.

Photo by The HK Photo Company on Unsplash

Why are Some Ghosts Doomed to Roam the Earth?

Whether or not you believe in ghosts, everyone understands the concept of what a ghost is. So, what is a ghost? A ghost is an incorporeal being who was previously a human. Most cultures and societies have myths and tall tales of ghosts and what happens to us after death and as such, the concept of ghosts have seeped into the mainstream even though many people don’t believe in them. Putting aside that belief, what makes a ghost a ghost? Who becomes a ghost? And why do some linger longer on this earth than others? Ghosts are simply those who cannot let go of their feelings and it’s their feelings that tie them to the physical realm.

Throughout history, how we have viewed and treated feelings have varied. In 50’s America, feelings were treated as non-existent. They were not valued and had no place in society because they were seen as superfluous. As society has progressed, feelings were given much more importance as we have multiple types of therapists, self-help books, and groups to aid with different issues. Why have our feelings on feelings changed? We’ve come to understand how big of a role they play in our lives and how they affect us going forward. Has this been detrimental to society? With change, there is always good and bad. Acknowledging our feelings opens us up to a wider world of hurt, but it also includes more people into the conversation. This can be seen in how we treat soldiers after a war. In the past, feelings were pushed aside and soldiers knew to stuff their thoughts and feelings aside and live their lives. This led to many unfulfilled lives, but not too much turmoil that everyone saw. Nowadays, we try to at least acknowledge what soldiers have gone through, albeit it’s a work in progress. This allows for them to be heard more, but opening up their feelings leads some to take their lives.

Some have argued that people are just much weaker than they used to be, but this is not true. We have just allowed ourselves to acknowledge our feelings more, which can cause more trauma. However, a world where we can express ourselves is much better than a world where we deny there is even an issue. What does this have to do with the importance of feelings and ghosts? Feelings anchor us to this world if we cannot let them go and the more we accept what our feelings are, the more we will understand the importance of letting them go. Even if you don’t believe in ghosts or reincarnation, believe in the idea that holding something within is not healthy for us. Currently, we are in a flux where we have traversed from never acknowledging our feelings to just opening up to the idea, but eventually, we must all come to the understanding that full acceptance is to understand that we must let all feelings go no matter how much they affect us.

What does that mean? Does that mean I forget about my mother who died so young and never got a chance to say good-bye? No, it means working through those feelings, acknowledging your pain, working through it, and finally accepting the fact that she is gone. To live in the pain is to forever be stuck in that time and become a slave to that hurt. It is a feat easier said than done, but I have come to cherish the time I had with my mother and understand everything we have is not truly ours. It is all a gift, and we must give it back some day. I honor our relationship and live in the joy of my memories of her even though the pain ebbs and flows, but I know I cannot be a ghost stuck in time to that pain. We as a society have a long way to go in working through the process, but we have started, and at this point in time, that is enough.

Photo by Šimom Caban on Unsplash

The War Abroad

When I watched movies like Schindler’s List when I was younger, I imagined what I would’ve done in that era. I would like to think that I would have been on the side of the oppressed and helped to save those who were Jewish, Romani, gay, and different. I think we all would like to believe we would be on the right side of history until we are in the midst of it, such as what is happening in Gaza. I find myself at the same juncture that I wished I were before, and I find complacency. Worst, there are those who fight for the oppressors, and I see why history repeats itself. This particular war is very touchy because it involves two oppressed groups, one of which has been historically oppressed and has experienced the horror of ethnic cleansing in the past. What I find interesting is that those in the Christian right are now taking up for Jews when they once chanted ‘Jews will not replace us,’ and no one bats an eye.

Those in the majority in America have long held negative views about minorities, immigrants, and Jews and have blamed Jews for a multitude of issues such as election fraud, the liberalization of children through media, and the racist trope of them hording money intended for others. However, the very same people who have stood on these lies are now using Jews to fuel their hatred of Muslims and Palestinians. All of a sudden, they support Israel’s right to defend themselves by bombing all inhabitants of Gaza. However, this time around, things are a little different. This has been happening for years, but this time, people are not so quick to believe the media and what they are told. Because of social media, they are able to see other stories and many people are awakening to the idea that Palestinians are the colonized people who are being exterminated from their land. The tide is changing, but at what cost? The cost of Jewish and Muslim lives hang in the balance.

And what can we do on this side of the world? It’s hard to voice even an opinion when either side states that you are not supporting them. However, you can support the people of Palestine without hating those of Jewish descent, for they have nothing to do with the Israeli government. When this war quiets down, Jews will still be vilified by conspiracy theorists and Muslims will still be ostracized by many Christians. Whatever your views, don’t let them be co-opted by the majority to fuel their hatred of someone different than them. There is little I can do to help the oppressed or change history, but I know which side of history I’ll be on.

The Power of Uncle Roger

Uncle Roger, the character played by Malaysian comedian, Nigel Ng, has risen in popularity over the last few years and it speaks to the power of what it means to be an outsider. Uncle Roger critiques chefs who make traditional Asian dishes and in turn, shows how these mostly White chefs have used an Asian cuisine they are not familiar with to fuel their stardom. He points out their missteps and inaccuracies as they show their mostly white audiences food they may not have seen before. Some chefs, Asian and White, have now given short remonstrances at the start of their videos about fearing what Uncle Roger will say about their videos. They now know they will be viewed carefully under the eye of Uncle Roger and are a little more careful to tread in an area that they are unfamiliar with. What this does is it gives back power to Asian creators the ability to critique an artform that they curated. Of course, Asian food should not be relegated only to Asian cooks as food is to be shared, but it seems some of these cooks do not give credit where credit is due, and Uncle Roger gives it back.

Nigel Ng is not without controversy in his career as he was denounced for not siding with another Asian creator, Mike Chen, who criticized the Chinese government for their human rights violations. Some saw this as a way for him to maintain revenue in a country that he was trying to gain more favor in. Recently, he made disparaging comments about China in a special that got him banned from Chinese social media. These moves have caused some to question his intentions, but they have not blunted his reach on the chefs who make Asian cuisine. Even Gordon Ramsey is not safe from commentary from Uncle Roger, showing he can be an equal-opportunity reviewer. The fear he strikes into those who make Asian cuisine is fun to watch as those who were formerly very confident in their skills now don’t feel as safe in asserting their knowledge of the dishes they are making. This has allowed for a dialogue on what is proper Asian food and how much can it deviate from the source. Uncle Roger is not the final decision-maker for all Asian food, but he is a good start in reclaiming authority on food that has been used to further careers without any real knowledge of it.

Food is for everyone, but Uncle Roger reminds us that we must pay homage to the source. His ability to draw comedy from a situation where there could be appropriation allows for all to laugh, but also let creators know they are on watch. As immigrants who came to another country, we have little left of our culture and identity that was left behind, and food is one of our last lifelines to a land we came from. Because of that, food and the preparation of it remains important to Asians and those who have immigrated. Uncle Roger is then informing us that this simply not a food to be made, but a tradition to be honored.

Why I’ll Never Forgive Some People And It’s Okay

I have been wronged by people close to me in my life. Betrayed by family members. Let down by friends. Taken advantage of for my kindness. These things happen as people constantly test boundaries with you. It is up to us to reinforce the boundaries that we established and sometimes, that means not forgiving someone. But wait! Aren’t we supposed to forgive? If not for them, for our own sake? Doesn’t forgiveness mean we are good and just people? Not always. Not everyone deserves forgiveness and that’s okay. Even if they did deserve it and you’re not ready yet, that does not make you a bad person. You can also forgive them in one way and never forgive them in another.

I’ve had a few exe’s who I left on bad terms and although I may get upset about what transpired in the past, I have learned to forgive them as persons, but never as boyfriends. What does that mean? I recognize them as flawed human beings who were trying to do the best they could, coping with the traumas from their childhoods, and trying to find a love that they didn’t know how to hold on to. I can forgive them these things because they didn’t know better. However, I can never forgive them as boyfriends because if I did, that would mean I would be able to return to them in the same capacity. There is a finality in that decision because that particular relationship is over as I can’t forgive the things done in it, but I can continue a different one based on friendship.

Is it bad to never forgive them in any capacity? Some people preach forgiveness for our souls, but that’s not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness means letting it completely go, but it’s okay to reinforce our boundaries and say we don’t let that ish slide. We need to learn to protect ourselves first before we worry about how we affect others. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn to understand the person and why they made the decisions they did, but just because we have compassion for them doesn’t mean we would let them back into our lives. Forgiveness is a complicated thing, but if we view it as boundaries that serve to protect us, we should then honor our forgiveness and not dole it out frequently.

I understand why the people in my life did the things they did. I have compassion for them as human beings and as a flawed person myself who is constantly learning, I know we are on the same journey, but I also recognize I don’t need to forgive their actions if they have crossed my boundaries and that’s okay. At the end of the day, if you are at peace with the decisions you have made, you have made the right ones. If you question if you have hurt others with your decisions, remind yourself of what your boundaries are. I mourn the loss of the relationships that I cannot forgive, but I hope you the best in your journey where ever you are. I hope you get there some day.

The New America

An 18-year-old gunman killed 21 students and teachers in Uvalde. The Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade. Covid-19 is still rampant as people let down their guards. Catastrophe after cataclysmic catastrophe, we are reminded of how divided we are and how slow change is to come by. Some of us are protesting for change after seeing the devastation that has befallen us. Some of us think this is status quo and par for the course all the while claiming that our country still needs to be great again. No one is happy where we are and as such, we all suffer. The truth is that it is not laws that will change our nation, but rather our notions about equality. If half of us are okay with people dying and living in poverty, then our laws will never change. Laws are useful, but even more horrifying is the thought that many of our neighbors don’t want to see change because they don’t want to see others benefitting before them.

Many times, we ask why there isn’t meaningful reform and change, but the reality is that this future has been engineered by men in the shadows whose vision has lived long beyond them. This is their America. They planted a seed before many of us even took our first breath. They shifted minds to believe Unions were not beneficial and that abortion is not medical health. They let Whites believe racism was made up and that slavery was not as bad as it was. They led many to believe that anyone could pull themselves up by their bootstraps if they just tried hard enough and this resulted in: redlining, gerrymandering, exorbitant campaign donations, and school districts being funded by local neighborhoods, creating richer and poorer schools that benefitted those who lived in certain neighborhoods.

The issue is not the laws. The laws are the result of the seeds that were planted many years ago. The true, underlying issue is many of us grew up believing in individualism and that big government overreaches unless it’s for the things we want. All of this is predicated on a fervent hatred of otherness. They have conditioned our neighbors to believe that the America they once knew is gone and at risk of getting more liberal and they must harness their hatred to make sure it doesn’t change. Things are literally going their way. Roe V. Wade was overturned. There are currently no meaningful gun laws, and yet, they still believe they are under attack and liberals are all to blame. The reality is they can never be content because they wouldn’t have their hatred to fuel them anymore.

Change is on the horizon, but our deep-seated racism, which we refuse to acknowledge, will always bubble up if we don’t teach actual history and instead bemoan that Confederate monuments built by the United Daughters of the Confederacy are being taken down. If we don’t tackle mindsets and beliefs first of White Nationalism, bigotry, hatred of LGBTQ, and more, those beliefs will continue to live on and become the new America.

When You Know You’re Not the Main Character

I just finished Maid on Netflix and thoroughly enjoyed the limited series and it reminded me of another Netflix show called Hillbilly Elegy that shows a poor, White person who eventually makes it out to become successful. Both shows were based on the real-life stories told by the authors who lived them and it made me ask “Why do people care so much about White people who get out of poverty, but not other minorities?” The answer is that there is a huge market for this poverty-core view that White people love to embrace, but they don’t actually want to see the realities of minorities who are living it. Instead, the narrative of a poor, White person who rises above their station is the quintessential story of “making it in America.” The backbone of our country thrives on this story and pushes this narrative that anyone can make it, so publishers are more eager to pick these books to be made into movies, making the author even richer. However, stories about minorities usually come with racism and they don’t go down as easy, so it’s nicer to see stories that don’t focus on race like The Glass House, another book that was made into a movie about a poor, White person livin’ the dream.

Stephanie Land, the writer of Maid, has written about how minorities experience poverty and sees beyond just her story, but most of America doesn’t. This doesn’t discount the actual lived-experiences of the authors, but asks why their stories are in the spotlight. The public wants stories that can be spoon-fed to them and makes them feel good about themselves. If that girl can make it out of the domestic violence shelter and become a successful author, anyone can do it! Right? I don’t think so. I don’t think that the books of minorities who may go through a similar history are treated the same. Way too much adversity to tackle in a two-hour movie. In America, we want to believe that anything is possible and ignore the history of our country and what those who have been relegated to the thresholds have experienced, so we tend to uphold stories like these to make ourselves feel better. And why are we obsessed with the poor, but ask why they can’t help themselves? Morgan Spurlock lived on minimum wage with his girlfriend in his documentary 30 Days and Barbara Ehrenreich did the same for her book Nickled and Dimed. We want to watch poor people as they are entertainment, but distance ourselves when they ask for help.

Once gain, all these people are White because it is easier to hear the message of the down-trodden when it comes from those who look like you. And in the end, we all know Morgan and Barbara were only cosplaying as poor people and not actually poor, so we don’t have to really feel sorry for them. This White perspective colors a lot of things that people don’t always catch right away. Movies like Sicario and Wind River show a White protagonist who must enter a world they don’t understand and try to make sense of it. Although at the surface, it may be trying to show us a world we have not seen before, it actually makes alien this world that we don’t know. It tells us time and time again that they are the outsiders and you need a translator to even begin to understand what’s happening. Even when the story opens on a White person entering a minority space, it is centered on the White person and as such, relegates the characters of that minority to the sidelines.

What does that mean? We live in a world where if you’re a minority, your story is not heard over the stories of your White counterparts and when it is, you’re not the main character. And everyone loves to see people make it out of poverty, but they also relish watching people go through poverty knowing either that they’ll make it out eventually or that they’re not actually poor. Minorities have always known that their voices were silenced and have lost out opportunities when they had the same skill sets, but it can become so glaring when we see how media views the treatment of people who are just pretending to be poor. Because when it comes down to it, we don’t want to see poor people just being poor and we certainly don’t want to see people of color being poor because there are implications as to why they are poor. And as such, we continue to try to push the narrative that anyone can make it in America if you just try hard enough and when we’re confronted with data that people can’t make it on minimum wage, we just shrug and look the other way. Oh look, a new movie is out.

Remembering 9/11 as a Minority

I distinctly remember that infamous day in American history when two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. I was 18 and happy to finally be an adult away at college. I was working in the library early in the morning when my boss came in to tell us that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. I was in disbelief and shock. I didn’t know how to react because nothing of such magnitude had ever occurred on American soil in my lifetime. I remember still going to class, but being in a fog as everyone didn’t know what to say or do in the aftermath. People worried about the stock market and my roommate said her father had told her we would be okay as long as everyone stayed calm. I remember seeing Maya Angelou on the news and remembering why? In this moment of great fear, even the news had no idea what to do, so they put someone comforting on. Nothing made sense in that moment.

What was also on my mind was xenophobia. After the shock and worry subsided, my mind wandered to the hijackers. In my heart of hearts, I hoped they wouldn’t be Asian. Because if they were, I knew my life would no longer be the same. When I found out they weren’t, I was relieved, then felt guilty because I knew someone else would be the target of American hate, and they were. I heard stories of neighbors seething and vengeful as they stood outside of Muslim and Indian-born citizens’ homes. I read about a Sikh man who was mistaken for Muslim, who was targeted and killed. And I’d heard that a Hmong teenager had made an off-hand comment that no one Hmong cared that 3,000 people died because it didn’t affect us, and the deep-seated racism that had been so carefully concealed came out. Because of one young individual’s comment, people were emboldened to be racist towards people like me. It seemed this tragic act had resurrected a long-simmering hate that barely boiled beneath many American’s blood and they felt as if they were doing their duty by accosting those they deemed responsible for the fear that permeated their lives.

That is the fate of a minority who lives in a country where the majority of it’s people are White. I don’t blame White people in general, but I hold them responsible for not understanding that as the majority in control, they also control the narrative of who belongs and who doesn’t, and through this experience, I knew I would never belong. I would always be an outsider. I was not free to only mourn what had happened, but as a minority, I knew immediately that there would be consequences and I feared what would happen. For months after, I read about stories of Muslim women who did not wear their headscarf because they feared retaliation, even though they had nothing to do with the crashes. Looking back, I see how unfair that was for me. I knew that even in the midst of a national tragedy, I still had to worry about my own safety and those around me because they would never consider me one of them.

People will always act out of fear because it is who we are. And it’s easier to root our fears in racism than it is to dismantle what we’ve been told and believed all of our lives about who the enemy is. It’s been 20 years and I wonder if we’ve learned any lessons from the past. Are we any different than who we were on that fateful day? I honestly don’t know if we are and perhaps we may never be, but I hope we can change.

Photo by Aaron Lee on Unsplash

Who is Abortion for?

Who is abortion for? Recently, with the bills passed in Texas, abortion has become a hotly contested issue again as women’s rights to their bodies are once again challenged. If women can’t have the choice to choose abortion after 6 weeks, they are then forced to have the child regardless of their circumstances, which could be rape, incest, a birth anomaly, or the safety of the mother’s life. Some pro-life people say we should be thinking about the rights of the unborn child, but are they thinking about the safety of the mother? Or are they simply looking to control the narrative about what women can and can’t do? There are varying reasons why some are anti-choice and that may include: their religious beliefs, their political leanings, or simply pure misogyny.

On Facebook, a man commented that it’s not the baby’s fault that women decided to open their legs for a momentary pleasure while thinking they didn’t have to deal with the consequences of that act, completely denying that a man was also involved in that transaction. In that comment, what he is implying is that a woman is solely responsible for when she has sex, regardless of if she was raped, coerced, or unconscious. He is stating that women are responsible for their pleasure, while men are not. If this isn’t good old misogyny, I don’t know what is. I once had a talk with a man about abortion, where he got belligerently upset because I said that sometimes it’s a mistake and women need a choice. He, very red-faced, asked me if it was a mistake he decided to have his children instead of aborting them. Like really? Did you really just make a women’s issue that didn’t affect you at all about YOU?

And so I ask, who is abortion for? Let me tell you about my mother. My mother is a devout Christian who once chastised a young girl for having an abortion. She believes deeply in her faith and does not believe in abortion. She believes abortion is the act of killing a baby. However, when my mother was in her older years and pregnant with her 7th child, she thought about it. She THOUGHT about it. She decided not to go through with it, but she thought about it, and that’s who abortion is for. It’s a choice and and I’d hate to think what situation my mother would be in if she didn’t have that choice. Abortion is for everyone and everyone should have the option, regardless if they are going to choose it or not. For more often than not, even those that fight fiercely against it, like my mother, need it more than they care to express.

Photo by 🇸🇮 Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

The Mindset Revolution

Retraining how you think.

Author: mindsetrevolution83