Relationships are Organic

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I hate when famous people break up and they show a clip from 2005 where the couple says they are very happy and content in their marriage.  And inevitable, the commentary goes the way of ‘perhaps she was covering something up because now they are divorced,’ not taking into consideration that the initial clip was from 10 years ago.  And those who view the relationship through their own eyes try to analyze the demise of a relationship they know little of.  Perhaps they were never happy.  Perhaps he cheated.  Perhaps people like to make up stuff to fit narratives in their heads. People refuse to see that relationships are organic and change over time.  Just because they were happy in that moment in time does not guarantee that it will stay like that forever.  People change and situations change and in turn, the dynamics of the relationship change.

People want to know what led to the break up so they can feel satisfied in knowing what happened, but they seldom care about the individuals themselves.  If we view success as never breaking up, how do we react to those who can’t leave a bad relationship?  The demise of a relationship means the relationship ended, but it doesn’t mean the person lost.  Oftentimes, we view break ups with a victor and a loser and love to assign blame, but in actuality, break ups can be one of the most healthy things to happen in a relationship.  It is nothing to be ashamed of or looked down on.  It is also none of anyone’s business what happened in that relationship except for the two who were in it.  Just like relationships are organic, so are we as human beings.  We are growing and learning all the time, and perhaps, we can learn to be a little more understanding.

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Building your own emotional prison

Still waiting for the sparks and fireworks?

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Your soul can feel like a frequency and when someone recognizes yours and their frequency harmonizes with yours, you feel a deep connection.  We search for this raw connection in all our relationships, hoping it is the one thing that will lead us to our one true love.  We operate on feelings and wavelengths, but these things only result in emotional attachments, but not actual working relationships.  You can feel love.  You can’t feel someone else’s love for you, but you can feel electricity in the air when you are interested in someone.  You feel a physical and emotional connection that can bond you, but just because you lack these things doesn’t mean you can’t have a successful relationship.  Love in its first incarnation is based on these factors, but these are the factors that eventually fade away in the mundane routines of life.  A relationship is not built on any of these things.  You can love a drug addict with all your heart, but that doesn’t mean your relationship will be good, for that is what feeling love is like: being hooked on drugs.  There are also people who know how to kindle an emotional bond to hook you, but they may not be the best at a relationship.  If you find you’re not feeling the emotional bond or sparks, it doesn’t mean you should just quit.  You need to ask if there is enough there to start the foundation of a relationship.

How does one become an expert at forming emotional bonds but not relationships?  You have to learn to spot the details.  There are tricks to the trade.  A good trick is simply engaging in eye contact for a few seconds to establish a connection.  There’s a lot that goes on when you first look at someone and there’s a lot to be read into them as well, so if you know this trick, you can employ it to your advantage.  Someone can make you feel wanted and secure by lecturing you.  Sometimes, girls feel cared for when a guy looks out for her well-being and makes sure she is safe.  Does every guy who does this aware of what he is doing?  Obviously not, but those who are aware of its advantages can use it for their own gain.  And oddly enough, if they remember some inane detail you uttered and repeat it later to you, you’ll feel as if they are really into you.  The best trick is to tell her personal things about yourself, which makes her feel as if she’s privy to things no one else is.    These things make a girl feel wanted and emotionally connected, but they do not ensure a good relationship.  I’ve seen guys who are really good at this easily snag girls but watch as their relationships deteriorate because they  have no idea how to maintain them.

What does this mean?  Are you settling for a relationship instead of the fireworks and sparks?  Can you have both?  Yes, you can definitely have both, but oftentimes, I see girls hold on to failing relationships because they can’t let go of the sparks they initially felt.  Other times, I see girls taken in by the charms and tricks only to find the guy had no real intentions for a relationship and they wonder if their feelings were real or not.  Recognize them for what they really are and how they affect you.  Your soul is a frequency, but there are people who have learned to tweak it and you are vulnerable to them because you crave the emotional connection so much.  All of our childhoods, we are taught to never settle for less, so we keep letting good guys go because we don’t feel immediate sparks when in actuality, they may just be bad at forming emotional bonds.  Yet, some of us wonder why we keep dating the wrong type of guys when we are only looking for the sparks.

It sucks to be lonely

In love with someone you can’t forgive

Listen to that restless feeling

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Lately at work, I’ve been experiencing that restless feeling of wanting to leave and explore.  It gnaws at you and you fill it with food, distractions, and whatever you can find, but it is still there.  It makes you uneasy and ready to leave, so I did.  I left and the feeling has dissipated.  I felt like that as well in a previous relationship, but kept tucking it away.  I tucked it away for four years until I couldn’t ignore it anymore.  I decided to put some distance between us and it give me a lot of breathing room to assess what I really wanted.  I didn’t understand the feeling at first, but I realize now that it is not something to be ignored.  When you are in a bad situation, you know it and if you can’t come to terms with it, you will still feel restless.  Feeling restless means you want to escape, and a lot of people are in that boat.

You don’t always have to leave, but you should confront that feeling.  Ask why you are feeling restless and tackle the issue.  Leaving does not always solve the problem, so get to the core of it.  If you get that feeling over and over and leave every time only to feel restless, know that there is something missing in you.  Search for what you really desire in a job, a mate, a home, or yourself.  If you find you are trying to outrun yourself, know that nothing will ever satisfy you, so you need to stop and figure it out.  Above all else, listen to yourself and your needs.  If it means letting go, you let go.  If it means reevaluating your priorities, then do so.  If it means you need to do some soul searching, leaving will not work.  You must instead look within.

Unconditional Vs Conditional Love

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Some people think a relationship with mutual unconditional love is true love, but it isn’t.  So what is the difference between them?  Unconditional love means that you’ll continue to love a person no matter what happens.  Conditional love means you’ll only love them if they follow your rules.  Sometimes, we get the two mixed up and think that we have to love our romantic partner unconditionally, so we keep taking abuse to prove how much we love them.  That is not true love.  True love means loving someone so much that you want to give them the best, even if it means leaving them.  If you truly love someone, you will know that they are growing as a person and that may mean they can grow more without you and you can let them.

What happens if you stay in a unconditional love relationship?  It’s not healthy.  You should not love someone unconditionally because that it what’s been handed down to you.  The only time you should ever love anyone unconditionally is if you have a child.  Other than that, to have a respectful and nurturing relationship, you must change the terms of your relationship and your love to conditional.  Oftentimes, those who are looking for unconditional love from a romantic relationship are seeking out the unconditional love they are lacking from their parental relationship.  It is not healthy to confuse the two and believe that someone will love you no matter what you do.  What this does is set the relationship up for failure because either party believes they can do whatever they want and still be loved.

It’s okay to feel guilty if you can’t offer unconditional love because that’s what you’ve been taught your whole life to give, but do not feel guilty for leaving.  When you leave, you  are allowing them to grow and allowing yourself the respect that you deserve.  If you stay knowing that you are being disrespected, you help to lower your own self esteem and it becomes a viscous cycle.  Love like you’ve never been hurt, but also love with respect for yourself.