After Prince passed away, comedian Donnell Rawlings told a story about meeting Prince and relaying that it felt as if Prince was drawing him in and he couldn’t look away because he was so beautiful.  One of Madonna’s friends said that Madonna had the ability to make anything look good.  She once threw away a shirt only for Madonna to take it and somehow made the shirt desirable again to the original owner by the way she wore it.  People who are charismatic have the ability to appear strong, desirable, and powerful without exerting any effort, but what makes them charismatic?  Most of these people were born this way and do not know any other way of being, for they simply are.

From a young age, they have always had a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth.  They valued who they were and it showed in how they spoke, how they carried themselves, what they wore, and how others viewed them.  When a person is charismatic, they believe they are the very best at who they can be, and exude this confidence.  When others see them, they are attracted to this insanely high level of confidence.  They may not even be as beautiful, intelligent, or fashionable as someone else, but the viewer attributes these things to them because of how confident they are.  Being charismatic means having solid belief in yourself.

These people know who they are and value themselves for it.  They will not accept less from themselves or others.  Unfortunately, most of them were born this way, and do not know how to relay this sense of importance on to others.  If someone was born charismatic, they will never be able to teach someone else to be charismatic because they didn’t learn how to.  At the core, being charismatic means loving yourself so much that you become confident in this fact to the point that others take notice.  To love yourself means to forgive your past mistakes, accept who you are, and to be your own best friend.  Ultimately, you have to be proud of who you are, your current decisions, and where you are going.  That is true charisma.

I remember hearing about the tax hike that would be implemented for people making 250,000 or more and watching my boyfriend’s family freak out over that. Why?  At no time in their lives were they ever going to make that much money.  This is five times the national average, and just 2.9 percent of couples earn that much or more. They asked me if I thought it was unfair and I said that if I ever made that much money, I would feel I would need to pay my fair share of taxes.  And then they went on about how small businesses who could be crippled by this tax.  I thought it was ridiculous that they were worrying about things that rich people would have to worry about.  That is exactly how the rich get you to agree with them: by getting you to empathize with their causes.  Taxes on the rich?  Just tell them small businesses will suffer and that if they ever make that much money, they’ll have none left after these taxes.  Really?  How is it that these people can care so much for the rich but not care to extend welfare and medical aid to the poor?  In actuality, both may not affect you on a daily basis, but when you help the rich, you only help the rich.  Que trickle-down economics by Reagan .  When you help the poor, you end up helping the community as a whole.

My boyfriend’s family went on to scoff at those who were on food stamps and how some people take advantage of the system, although they themselves had benefitted from it for a short period of time. I agree that there are some who take advantage of the system, but should everyone suffer because of these few?  Why would you scrap a whole system that at one point also helped you?  They didn’t realize that that is what food stamps were for:  people just like them who needed it for a short period of time in their lives.  Instead, they saw the recipients as leaches who would suck the system dry.  How have we come to this stage where some of us actively agree with the politics of the rich and deplore the poor for asking for help? We need to change the way we think about who we are really helping in thinking this way.  Who is actually benefitting from this propaganda?  If you say you care about the average worker and his rights to own a small business, also know that his small business includes worker who benefit from help from the government.  The term ‘small business’ is just really a term bandied about by the rich elite to make the middle class more tolerable to laws and policies enacted to help the rich elite keep their money.

Greed is prevalent in all societies, not just ours, but the trick is to realize this and not deny it. Those who are rich will continue to strive to keep their riches.  Those who are poor will always need to ask for help.  If they were switched, they would do exactly the same.  Greed is a part of human nature, but some who are rich are quick to condemn the poor for wanting hand-outs and some who are poor are quick to condemn the rich for their avarice, but the only thing that can solve the problem is the understanding that we all succeed when the poorest of society succeeds through compassion.  Compassion is what is needed to elevate our society beyond the greed of individual gratification.  If we were all to benefit, there would be more advances in medicine, new innovations in technology, and immensely more thought-provoking art, for the only thing keeping us from these things is the opportunity for more people to get there.

 

Maslow’s A Theory of Human Motivation states:

Esteem needs –‘All people in our society…have a need or desire for a stable, firmly based, (usually) high evaluation of themselves, for self-respect, or self-esteem, and for the esteem of others.  By firmly based self-esteem, we mean that which is soundly based upon real capacity, achievement and respect from others.  These needs may be classified into two subsidiary sets. These are, first, the desire for strength, for achievement, for adequacy, for confidence in the face of the world, and for independence and freedom.  Secondly, we have what we may call the desire for reputation or prestige…recognition, attention, importance or appreciation.’

I would further break down self-esteem into two categories, but my interpretation would first include how we feel and view ourselves and the other as the desire for the recognition of our strengths.  However, the first is NOT a motivation.  We are motivated to want prestige, fame, and acknowledgement, but self-esteem has never been a motivation for people.  People do not consciously know that they want to see themselves in a positive light, nor do they actively try to achieve this goal.  As children, we may or may not be encouraged to develop a sense of who we are, but many people vary in the degree of seeing how important self-esteem is.

First off, what is self-esteem?  How is it different from self-respect?  Is there a difference?  Yes.  Some people respect themselves highly and know they would never let someone else disparage them, but if they have low self-esteem, they may still believe it.  The two can exist independent of each other, however, those who have high self-esteem usually respect themselves as well and will usually also have high self-respect, but those who have low self-esteem can still respect their selves outside of who they are, which is also correlates to high self-respect. Whereas self-respect plays to how a person is treated by others, self-esteem plays to how a person treats themselves based on how they feel about themselves.  This is why it may be confusing at times when you confuse the two and mistake them for one another.

Some children are encouraged to enjoy who they are and they flourish.  Some may be discouraged, but more often than not, the majority are ambivalent, not because parents do not care, but because they don’t know how to encourage a reticent child.  As such, this insular world becomes even more insular as they internalize feelings and don’t understand the importance of self-esteem.  Because it is not a motivation, they do not build who they are.  They are still motivated to seek friends and love interests, but if they are not fulfilled internally by themselves, their relationships can be rocky because of this.  Many times, we are searching for a sense of ourselves throughout our journey and take on relationships we can’t comprehend in the search for what we want.  If we are not sure in who we are, we will be as equally unsure in who we want as a partner, causing rifts.

Some who are socially-withdrawn feel no need to develop their self-esteem.  They may regard themselves highly, but do not feel the need to elevate how they feel about themselves, thus they do not feel satisfied in this area and will not pursue other relationships or achievements because they feel as if they are not good enough.  They come up with reasons for this such as they despise human connections and they feel they are wasting their time and energy on useless things.  In actuality, humans crave relationships because they will undoubtedly feel lonely at some point despite their refusals.  Having self-esteem encourages these individuals to reach out to others because they feel they deserve relationships.

Why is it important?  It’s important because it serves as the basis of who we are.  When we have incredibly low self-esteem, we tend to accept less and feel fearful of other’s motivations and change in itself.  We are unsure of what the future will bring.  When we have high self-esteem, we welcome change and become more adaptable.  We have a more positive outlook on life and what comes our way.  Most importantly, we care about ourselves and are more in tune with who we are and what we want if we are honest with ourselves.  Ultimately, high self-esteem allows us to be the truest form of who we are and having pride in ourselves internally.

An example would be if a young adult asks someone out and gets rejected.  This is not a poor decision, but it retains a negative worth to them.  As such, they may let this memory eschew them and steer other decisions in their live.  We can tell them that at least they were brave enough to ask.  Some people go their whole lives without knowing a simple question, and they did ask.  The answer was no, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have meaning.  It means they were brave.  It means they have the ability to interact with others.  It means they have learned something.  When they don’t look upon the decision as shameful and fearful, they will see the pride of it and see pride in themselves.  This allows for them to see their decisions as positive memories that have enabled them to grow.

Maslow’s heirachy did not state that this was a strict hierarchy where each lower need had to be met before moving on to the next, but it was predicated on the belief that people are motivated to want self-esteem.  If people were motivated on this belief and chose to fulfill this need, they would definitely be able move on, but it is not a motivation.  Thus, some people who did not already possess high self-esteem would not be able to reach self-actualization.  The need for recognition and meaningful relationships would still exist, but these needs would not be fully realized if the person could not realize their own self worth.  What this results in is people searching for love, but either treat themselves or their partner badly because they feel they are not worthy.  Or they fail to advance at work because they fear change and authority.

 

How do we cultivate self-esteem?  Is it enough to just encourage children and tell them they are good?  No, because a parent can do this and a child can still have low self-esteem, which can be quite maddening for the parent.  The trick is teach them how to view their decisions and discuss them.  If it is a good decision, praise them for it and discuss how it affects those around them.  This allows for them to see how their actions affect not only them but those around them.  If they made a poor decision, we should talk about what went wrong, why it went wrong and how they felt about it.  Let them know the positives of a poor decision.  They at least have learned something from it.  They are wiser and richer for knowing it now.  The poor decisions are where we can cultivate the most self-esteem, which sounds counter-intuitive, but is not.  When we reinforce that poor decisions are part of the learning process, they see failure as necessary and not shameful.  When the shame is removed, they are able to see the nugget of good in the poor decision and learn from it.

I cannot lecture anyone on how to lose weight because I’m pretty bad at it. I mean, we all kinda know how to lose weight: eat less calories than you burn off through exercise.  What is hard is determination and resolve.  I don’t have any of that.  What I can tell you is that some girls use food as a crutch and when they lose the weight, they still don’t lose the bad feelings they had about using it as a crutch.  They may transfer the crutch to another vice, or they will hate that fat girl they used to be.  They’re embarrassed they were ever that girl and are ashamed to think about her.  When they do this, they hold on to negative feelings about being overweight and internally hate a part of themselves.  If they can never let go of these negative feelings, they will always feel guilty and ashamed.  If they can’t let it go, it will always be a source of pain for them.

Forgive the fat girl you were. Forgive how you got there and investigate the feelings behind it.  Learn to love her, for she was and still is you.  Your appearance may have changed, but you’re still the same on the inside.  She is a part of you and it’s okay to love her as she was.  Oftentimes, when girls lose weight, they will still continue hating themselves.  They may be 20 pounds lighter, but all they think about is that they could be even lighter.  They are never perfect in their eyes.  They always see that fat girl in the mirror no matter what their reflection shows.  It’s not about loving our physical bodies, but mentally accepting ourselves at every stage.

I realized I’ve never been happy with my body despite my weight. When I was at my lowest weight, I didn’t love myself and I disliked the way I looked.  I gained weight and felt even worse about myself, then I lost it and didn’t feel that much better.  Now, I’ve learned to enjoy who I am as a person and it translates to how I see myself.  I have gained weight at this point in my life, but I can truly see myself in the mirror.  I don’t see the fat girl there who hated herself.

Minorities accept that racism exits and we’re actually immune to it because we deal with it on a daily basis. Sometimes, we don’t even say anything because it’s just a part of our lives.  What pisses me off is not the actual racism that happened in this situation, but that there are people who deny that it was racist because they don’t want to be associated with racism because they may have to actually change their beliefs.  These are good people, but when they refuse to acknowledge a clear and cut situation as racist, they don’t have to acknowledge what minorities have to go through.  If they don’t have to acknowledge it, then no change needs to be enacted.  You don’t need to denounce racists.  You don’t need to march in marches.  You don’t need to believe what I believe.  All you need to do is admit that there are racist things that happen in the world.  When you do this, you may begin to see what we have to go through just to live.

My boyfriend was a quiet kid who played video games all the time with a very high IQ. He did very well in school, but found it hard to form social relationships.  He never dated until he was 31.  I asked him if he enjoyed his childhood and he said he wished his parents had forced him to do more things.  His words.  I think he meant to say that he wished they had pushed him out of his comfort zone so he would learn to interact with people to assuage his anxiety and increase his speaking abilities.  However, if they had attempted this when he was 12, I’m sure he would’ve resisted and hated them for forcing him to do things he did not want to do, but future him would’ve benefited from this and future him regrets this.  These are the usually the kids who have the most to offer because they possess such high intellects and imaginations from being so introverted, but they are deathly afraid of people because no one teaches them how to talk to others.  If we can get this segment of society to adjust, they will be able to offer so much more to the world because they will have the tools to navigate it.

I myself did not understand the importance of interacting with my peers until I was 24 or 25. Unlike my boyfriend, I didn’t see this as a disadvantage, but something that I could just improve on.  Yes, you missed out on some stuff, but don’t continue to sulk about things to come.  Firstly, you have to explain why you are forcing them to having social skills so they understand.  I told myself that if I wanted to get anywhere, I’d have to learn how to talk to people and be more willing to show others who I was.  Then, I put myself out there and failed.  And when I failed, I learned to pick myself  up and laugh at myself.  When I could laugh at myself, I found I was just like everyone else.  More often than not, kids think they are some anomaly and only they are that weird, but when they find that even the cool kids are scared of asking someone out, they’ll see that they are really not that different.  The only thing that separates them from those kids is confidence: the ability to pick yourself up after you fall down.

There is no school for social skills. It’s something kids have to learn on their own and some need more help than others.  Let them know that it is only for their benefit that they are forced into extracurriculars and social situations.  The only way to gain knowledge is to experience it and failure is how we learn.  Most of the time, these individuals fear failure.  They don’t want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, so they never say or do anything and let opportunities slip away.  They fear turning themselves into a laughing stock, and this fear prevents them from going after what they want.  Ultimately, it comes down to accepting who they are, but kids don’t know that.  They just know they want to get friends and possibly ask their crush out.  If we actually taught social skills, I think we as a society would be so much more productive, happy, and fulfilled.   And for those who are older, don’t think about all the years you lost, because that may be about 30 years, but think of what you have left to live, which could be 50.  It’s never too late to change.