Through the centuries, the sexes have been embroiled in a war where guys can’t seem to understand what women want. Women assume that men have the same thought patterns as we do and when men do not get the subtle hints we give them, we get mad. We think we’re trying to so hard to put out clues for their benefit and are rubbed the wrong way when they don’t understand what we want. Case in point, an acquaintance of mine went on a date with a guy where they were walking a trail. Half-way through, she asked if he wanted to stop at a bench and sit. He said that he wanted to keep going. This is what is going on in our minds:
Women: Do you want to sit down? (so we can be close together and share the beautiful view. I’d like you to put your arm around me and perhaps we can have a more intimate talk that is at a slower pace.
Men: No, I want to keep walking. (No, I want to walking.)
That’s pretty much it. We think that men think like us and that they should somehow know what we are implying and if they turn us down, it means they are turning our whole selves down and not just that one invitation. Because of this, women will not contact a guy again. This is what women want. They want to feel wanted, and when their advances are rejected, they feel as if there is nothing there. This does not mean women want to be ogled on the streets and fondled by every guy at the bar, but they want the guy they are interested in to want them. So what do we do in this game? Those who are in the know employ cold and hot tactics, seeing how the other reacts. They flirt with someone else. They ignore them. We do all this to gauge how the other person feels without putting ourselves out there, but not all everyone know this.
Guys are not mind-readers, nor do they just automatically know what we are implying. This can be quite confusing when it comes to potential intimate moments, when the protocol can be confusing. Men are conditioned to accept a lady’s refusal because they are gentlemen, but at the same time, many women want him to push just a little further to show that he is interested. What’s a guy to do? You’re a creep if you do and you’re not interested if you don’t. Here’s a good way for guys to approach this situation: ‘I respect you and your wishes and if you are saying no, I will honor that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want you.’ And then leave. What this does is put the ball in her court and she has to make the next move.
Ladies, even guys who are more socially-adept miss our cues. And then, you get to the well-meaning guys who are a really good catch, but miss out on all the cues. Please understand it is not because they are not interested, but because they don’t understand the whole dating game. Even a suave guy will miss about 10% of your cues. A regular guy will miss about 50%. A guy who has barely dated will miss over 90%. And what do we do? We dismiss them because we think they are not intriguing because they can’t play the game, but the ones who know how to are the ones we are interested in because they leave us wanting more. So we keep dating these guys and wonder where all the good guys are.
On one of our first dates, my boyfriend and I stopped at a food stand and he bought himself a hamburger but did not ask me if I wanted one. I made fun of him years later for this and he said how was he to know that I wanted one, too? If I wanted one, why didn’t I buy one myself or ask him to? I told him it would’ve been rude of me to ask, but I thought he was incredibly rude to not even ask me. I realized then that this guy who rarely dated before didn’t understand the social dating cues and it was not because he wasn’t interested in me, but because he just didn’t know. If I didn’t know that, I may have stopped talking to him and then I wouldn’t have found out how great he was. So the morale of the story is just because a guy can’t read what you’re trying to say doesn’t mean he’s not interested.