Tag: Relationships

Why Do Some Women Need a Man?

Why Do Some Women Need a Man?

Not everyone needs a partner and while it’s certainly nice to have one, it’s not necessary to have a happy life. And sometimes, a partner is not only someone who takes an emotional load off of you, but also a financial load. In this capitalist society, it seems you may even need a partner or roommate to afford a home and live the lifestyle you want. However, there is a difference between needing a partner economically and needing one emotionally. The first allows you to lead a more enriched life, but the second leaves you emotionally dependent on them. So when does it become toxic, because don’t we all want a strong, emotional connection with our partner? Although it’s nice to have the connection, when you depend on your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs to the point that you prioritize their well-being over yours, it becomes toxic. When this happens, everything becomes contingent on the other person staying in the relationship.

While this scenario may happen to men, it happens most often with women. Women tend to form more emotional bonds and find others to fulfill these roles. And so we must ask why they do this? Oftentimes, these women have unfulfilled emotional needs that stem from their childhoods in the form of unfulfilled parental love. Sometimes, it could be a traumatic event that opens a gaping hole in their psyche. Or perhaps they never learned about boundaries and accepting what is given to them. Whatever it is, it leads these women to feel as if they are lacking and it’s easier to find someone to try to pave over the hole than it is to investigate it themselves. On top of that, society rewards us for coupling up and finding a partner, so you feel fulfilled internally and externally when you do find someone. We’re expected to find someone and no one really questions who it is. Because of all these reasons, hetero women tend to seek out an emotional connection with men because we’re wired to.

Even though many of us seek out these emotional connections for healthy reasons, some of us do so because we think it fulfills a need that we cannot complete ourselves. It is perfectly reasonable to want to be emotionally connected to your partner, but if everything hinges on if that person stays or not, ask what you are missing within yourself. As humans, we will always seek out the company of others because we are social creatures, but some of us are masking our own emotional holes with relationships that are band-aids. That makes us ticking time bombs as we try to show the world that we’re doing ok, but internally, we are in so much turmoil and try to deflect with external relationships. Introspection can be a daunting task, but it truly is a form of self-love that will eventually lead us to our true self and that in turn will lead us to someone who will ultimately complement our lives.

Photo by The HK Photo Company on Unsplash

Women Who Are Attracted to Chaos

Women Who Are Attracted to Chaos

I’ve known women who seem to constantly be embroiled in chaos and destruction. Everyone experiences some level of drama at some point in their lives, but there are some who can never seem to outrun drama. There are those who enjoy it and court dysfunction in their lives, but then there are those who appear seemingly normal except for the men they chose in their lives. These women are the backbone of the family and the only thing standing between total destruction and a sliver of hope. They appear to be strong, independent women who just always pick the wrong guy. It’s so maddening to see such beautiful women choose these type of men over and over again, but what we don’t realize is the chaos already exists in her.

I’ve had friends like this, where I agonized over their mistreatment. Women who never tried to make a big deal of the situation. Women who endured years of abuse while working, tending to children, and running a household. And women who were hard workers. This is not the same situation as women who are beaten into submission or are too young to understand what is happening to them. I’m talking about women who chose time and time again to enter into relationships that they know are unhealthy. Most women in abusive situations eventually understand they don’t deserve that kind of abuse and leave, but not those who are attracted to chaos.

Those who are attracted to chaos keep choosing dysfunctional relationships because it masks the dysfunction in them. If they constantly have to worry about their partner, they don’t have to stop to think about their own pain and dysfunction. These women have encountered a lot of hurt in their formative years and don’t know how to deal with it except to appear strong. To the world, they look as if they could take on an army, but internally, they feel as if they deserve to be treated like they are less than human, so they stay. And if they leave, they choose the same type of person because they are used to that type of destruction.

It’s so maddening to watch this happen to those you’ve cared for in your lives, but if they are not willing to work on themselves, they will not work on building boundaries in their relationships. All you can do is be there for them when they need someone to listen and care for them. We can never change people we are so frustrated with because we see that the answer is clearly right in front of them, but the decision is not ours to make. And what I’ve learned is that these women don’t need lectures or condemnations, but acceptance. They just need to understand that they need to accept themselves.

Photo by Colin Lloyd on Unsplash