I’ve known women who seem to constantly be embroiled in chaos and destruction. Everyone experiences some level of drama at some point in their lives, but there are some who can never seem to outrun drama. There are those who enjoy it and court dysfunction in their lives, but then there are those who appear seemingly normal except for the men they chose in their lives. These women are the backbone of the family and the only thing standing between total destruction and a sliver of hope. They appear to be strong, independent women who just always pick the wrong guy. It’s so maddening to see such beautiful women choose these type of men over and over again, but what we don’t realize is the chaos already exists in her.
I’ve had friends like this, where I agonized over their mistreatment. Women who never tried to make a big deal of the situation. Women who endured years of abuse while working, tending to children, and running a household. And women who were hard workers. This is not the same situation as women who are beaten into submission or are too young to understand what is happening to them. I’m talking about women who chose time and time again to enter into relationships that they know are unhealthy. Most women in abusive situations eventually understand they don’t deserve that kind of abuse and leave, but not those who are attracted to chaos.
Those who are attracted to chaos keep choosing dysfunctional relationships because it masks the dysfunction in them. If they constantly have to worry about their partner, they don’t have to stop to think about their own pain and dysfunction. These women have encountered a lot of hurt in their formative years and don’t know how to deal with it except to appear strong. To the world, they look as if they could take on an army, but internally, they feel as if they deserve to be treated like they are less than human, so they stay. And if they leave, they choose the same type of person because they are used to that type of destruction.
It’s so maddening to watch this happen to those you’ve cared for in your lives, but if they are not willing to work on themselves, they will not work on building boundaries in their relationships. All you can do is be there for them when they need someone to listen and care for them. We can never change people we are so frustrated with because we see that the answer is clearly right in front of them, but the decision is not ours to make. And what I’ve learned is that these women don’t need lectures or condemnations, but acceptance. They just need to understand that they need to accept themselves.