Get Comfortable with Rape

Rape, molestation, and sexual misconduct thrive in our culture because we all choose to remain silent about it.  We stay silent in the name of ‘protecting the victims,’ but all it does is enables the predators to continue to prey.  Silence comes in many forms.  After a rape occurs, we do not talk about it, which causes a veil of shame to form around the victim.  When something is not talked about, the issue festers and the blame is internalized, causing the victim to question their own beliefs, while the perpetrator counts on the silence for their conscience to be free.  However, there is a silence most are not aware of.  We do not talk about what to do before a rape occurs.  Because we do not, there is shame involved with being raped and those who are raped are less apt to come forward.

When we start a new job, they tell you about what to do if you are not able to come in, but not what to do if you are sexually assaulted. When our children attend school, they teach them how to add, but not how to report being molested.  We do not talk about this subject because it is unsavory and hope that it does not occur, which causes more harm than good because in the end, it creates a culture of silence, where no one really acknowledges that these things happen and sweep them under the rug instead.  From before being raped to after being raped, we as a society do not talk about it.  We’ve got to realize that after centuries of experience, this is not working.  Being silent does nothing.

Every time a foster child is placed, we must talk about rape.  Every time we have a new wave of incoming freshmen at college, we must talk about rape.  Every time we we start a new summer camp, we must talk about rape.  Every time we start a new job, we must talk about rape.  The more comfortable we get with the notion that rape exists and occurs openly, the more we will allow victims to open up about it because they know they will be believed.  When perpetrators know that there is no more silence, they will also realize that they will face consequences, but if we continue not to talk about it, everything will remain exactly the same.

I’ve known many of my friends and family who have been raped or attempted to be raped, and rape is everywhere, but no one talks about it because we’ve been conditioned not to.   It is not up to the victim to report the crime.  It is up the society they live in to make it a welcoming enough environment for them to talk about. When you realize that you can be the difference in changing rape culture, you realize the importance of knowledge.  The more we can accept that rape happens and should be talked about BEFORE it happens, the less rape will become foreign and out of our lexicon.  We as a society need to acknowledge that rape is a very uncomfortable subject to bring up, but that what we’ve been doing has not been working.  Get comfortable with rape.  Get comfortable about talking about it and know change starts with you.


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The Idea of Marriage


I’m nearing that age where the talk of marriage looms indefinitely in the air.  My friends and family ask if this is a thing that will ever come to fruition.   I tell them no, that marriage is not in the future for me; not because I don’t want it, but because my relationship does not warrant it.  My partner does not desire to be married and we’ve had  long talks about it, but it is not something he would like to do.  I’ve pestered him to the point where he has  said, “if you really want to get married, I guess I’ll  marry you.”  And that was when I realized that I don’t want to marry someone just for the idea of getting married.  I had to re-evaluate what my needs were and gauge it against the needs of my partner.

I asked myself what was really in a marriage.  Some people think a marriage will tie a neat bow on a present and that is the end of it. I get it.  They want me to be ‘settled’ and happy, but even those who are married are not guaranteed happiness.  No one is.  As a child, I’ve always had plans of being married in a beautiful, white gown.  Being proposed to.  Taking engagement photos.  Having a wedding song to dance to.  I’ve had to acknowledge that it is incredibly sad to let those dreams go, but at the same time, I’ve seen that it was simply that: an idea.  The idea of marriage is to bond two people romantically and legally, but it does not guarantee that that marriage will work out.

I know that he will not leave me.  I know that he would not cheat on me to the best of his abilities.  I know he would stay by my side if I got sick. I know he would stay by deathbed and hold my hand when I am old and fragile like the dreams I hold on to.  These are tangible things that I know will happen.  Being married does not necessarily grant that these things will happen, but we all like to hope that it does.  In my case, I would not want to force someone to marry me just because I thought it was socially appropriate to do so.  If marriage was important enough for me, I would simply leave, but I would never press that person into an entanglement they did not desire.

There are more and more people who are staying unmarried in committed relationships.  Perhaps it is because of the economy.  A telling sign of the times.  Or the changing morals and values they carry.  Or lastly, I want to believe it is because the notion of marriage is changing.  When you are looking at a 50% divorce rate, do you blindly put on that ring, or do you search out if you truly have a solid foundation to stand on?  It seems many people whose relationships are faltering are buying into the idea of marriage, but they  have not investigated if they are truly ready for the commitment or even try to invest time in trying to build the relationship from the ground up.  Often enough, they are broken individuals who are searching for something to make them whole, and finding it never does until they are whole themselves. For me, I have a solid base from which to build on, and if a marriage happens, I would be happy, but if it does not, I will be just fine. So you don’t have to ask anymore.

What leads good people to follow bad people and ideas?

When I watch the news and see all that is happening, I wonder how there can still be those who support the President? What can possibly happen so that not another person attends his ridiculous rallies meant to bolster his fragile ego? There are always those hold-outs who astound me, such as the people who continue to defend Cosby in the face of so much evidence.  What leads good people to follow bad people and ideas even when it is clear to so many people how bad these things truly are?  The same reason why cults still exist like The Church of Scientology and why people still fall for nationalist ideals.  When we fall for an idea, a religion, or a person wholly, we tie ourselves into that ,and we feel as if we are denouncing ourselves when we denounce what we have bought into.  Instead, we continue on blindly in hopes that there is a higher purpose, being, or meaning than us.

We tend to make gods out of mere mortals because we like to follow.  When someone gives your life meaning, you will view them as a god.  We want to believe in movements and religions larger than us because we want to belong and feel alive.  These things make us susceptible to those who pander to us because we want to believe in the goodness of others and man.  When we start to believe, we sometimes immerse ourselves wholly and don’t know where the idea starts and where we end.  When this happens, we find it hard to extricate ourselves from things that are no longer healthy.  If we can accept this truth about ourselves, it will be easier to swallow the truth that we have taken the wrong path.  If we never face this truth, we will be doomed to follow in the footsteps of so many that have come before.

Lust and the Objectifier

Lust, in it’s most carnal form, is desire.  It is coveting something that is currently not in your possession, for lust seeks to devour and possess all that is the object of obsession.   When a person lusts, the sentiment consumes all of who they are, and they make rash decisions because they can see no others but their beloved.  In actuality, lust has nothing to do with the object, but only the objectifier.  We seek to make sense of our lust by placing the onus on the object because it takes the weight off of us, but they may feel only apathy for us.  In truth, we revel in our feelings of lust because we build it ourselves.  We induce our own pain and suffering in the name of ‘love’ because we feel as if we are the jilted lover, but love is something different altogether.

Love is when you want to live with someone, but lust is when you can’t live without them.  We like to confuse the two to make ourselves feel better, but lust is a different animal that wants to possess wholly, whereas love is when you set someone free because that is what is best for them.  The truth is we like making ourselves feel sick with lust because it feels better than nothing at all.  We like the intensity and drama it brings into our lives and how it makes us feel.  It gives us a purpose and we read fate into it because we want to.  Love is great, but there is no other feeling like lust, for lust is really just unrequited love.  And a lover in agony is always the best sort of protagonist.



The Dream Experiencers

What do the blind dream of if they cannot see?  What do babies dream of if they have not experienced?  How conscious are we when we are unconscious. slithering about in our subconscious?  How do you separate dream from reality if your mind reads it as one and the same?  How are those who are mentally unstable any different?  And yet, even in our dreams, we know what is and isn’t.  The rules may bend as the landscape, but we always know truths, as if we are never really asleep.  If our minds are always on, where does it go and what does it seek?  We create our own nightmares and fantasies that we would never encounter or imagine in our waking lives, because at our core, we are explorers and experiencers.  We want to experience what can and what can never be.

R. Kelly and the Cult of Control


R. Kelly has been in the news as of late due to a Buzzfeed article that details how he allegedly keeps women in a ‘cult.’  I’ve seen comments defending him from either side, some saying that no one batted an eye when Hefner did the same.  Some also argue that these are grown women who are free to do what they want. I agree with that sentiment.  You are free to be in any abusive relationship you want to be in, even if it is slowly choking the life out of you.  R. Kelly has committed no crimes, but morally, he is a reprehensible person who seeks out the companionship of young, impressionable women who he can easily manipulate by using his fame and fortune to leverage control.  There is no law that prevents you from being manipulated, and people confuse manipulation and abuse because the one may lead to the other, but they are not the same.

In my opinion, these young women are being mentally trained to not question their roles in his home.  Is it it a cult?  No, but is it unhealthy?  Yes.  He is using his cult of stardom to wow them and let them know who is the star, but there are no beliefs to be shared.  A cult uses the same strategies to maintain their lambs, but they are not the same thing.  He can be seen as a cult leader because he is charismatic and forceful, but he is not one.  What he is is a man who craves control because it makes him feel more powerful. He enjoys the position of power as did Warren Jeffs, of a Utah Mormon sect that abused his position by having sex with underage girls.  Once again, similar, but not the same.  It’s easy to bandy that word about, but do not confuse the two situations.  R. Kelly is simply a man who uses his position to get what he wants sexually, but Warren Jeffs is a man who uses his religion and position to get what he wants sexually, and religion can easily be eschewed to line up to his benefit.  Religion is a far more damaging agent because it can encompass your whole life and way of thinking.

I do not agree with the fact that these women chose to stay with him, but I also do not agree with the fact that women in the Mormon sect decide to stay within that society, that women all over stay in abused marriages, and that a lot of harm befall women because this is how they are kept from rebelling.  If we keep letting women believe that they are less than, they will keep trying to and not ask for more.  As with manipulators and cults of any sorts, the antidote is to question, for when you start questioning, you start unraveling.  If there is the one thing you teach your children, I hope it is that they always have the right to question.

Damaged people choose damaged mates

There are those of us who wonder why they keep choosing the wrong person every time.  There could be a plethora of reasons why, but in most cases, it is because they themselves are also damaged in some way, so they seek out partners who are also damaged because picking a partner who isn’t damaged will point out their glaring faults and the fact that they actually need to work on themselves.  When the other person is just as damaged, they do not need to look within themselves as to what they need to work on, but rather project all their problems onto their other half, and exclaim that if only this person shaped up, their lives would be much better, when in fact, the majority of these individuals will go on to choose the same type of partner if they never own up to what is in their past.

Sometimes, when someone who is more well-adjusted gets in a relationship with a person who is damaged, they will try to fix them.  A damaged person will always let you know that you are too good for them.  They do not say it with words, but with their actions.  If they belittle you all the time, they are trying to lower your self-esteem and bring you down to their ‘perceived’ level.  If they ever cheat on you, they are letting you know that you are too good for them and that they are giving you an opportunity to leave.  You can never fix a damaged person unless the person in question wants to be fixed.  Oftentimes, that person is in denial about who they are and will bring you down to make themselves feel better.  The best thing you can do for them is to leave, which will cause them to become more introspective, but if you stay, they have no reason to change.