Reflections of the past

Reflecting on this past year, I’ve gained a lot and lost a lot. I think we all have and the end of the year lets us capsulize it into a memento; a token of a bygone era. For some of us, we never reflect on the past, and for others, all we do is live in the past. Past decisions, regrets, mistakes, victories, triumphs, and defeats. For those that live in the past, they want to dwell in the memories of something intangible, while those who can’t face their past dwell on trying to suppress a memory that has become intangible. And yet for both, they remain stuck, like an insect imbued into the essence of amber, becoming a relic for those to find later. We so rarely have the tools to process our own emotions, and we have even fewer to help others process theirs, and as such, we continue on as a society that simply accepts this as a truth.

I believe things are going to change, but it has to start with the realization that we do need instructions on how to be a human being. We have become factories unto ourselves, swallowing whole what is spoon-fed to us and spitting it back out to those who come after us. We leave no footprints behind and expect them to follow. We have to realize that the rules we live by are malleable and can be changed if we so chose to. Agitation for change comes not in agreement, but divergence. Divergence and disagreement is what will lead to a new way of thinking and possibly a new way of doing things. For if we keep agreeing with how things are, things will keep on keeping. Each new year allows for us to see farther than we did the last year, but the most important thing I have learned is that the top can only progress as much as they let those at the bottom do. If we don’t take care of each other, we will forever be trapped by the cycle of greed, and it will be greed that will be our downfall.

Building your own emotional prison

I’ve noticed that when women find themselves in bad relationships that they can’t leave, it’s because they hate themselves more than their partner. They know logically that they shouldn’t be with this person, but for whatever reason, they cannot leave. Perhaps the partner is abusive. Or controlling. Or manipulative. Or the relationship just isn’t working anymore, but all of that pales in comparison to how they feel about themselves. Their friends constantly tell them they should leave, but deep down, they know they never will. When they stay, they begin to hate themselves because they know it is not the right choice. When they hate themselves and can’t live with what they’ve done, they try to cover it up by acting out, abusing substances such as alcohol, overeating, gambling, and anything else that prevents them from acknowledging their true feelings. It is a downward shame spiral that causes them to stay even longer in the relationship and hate themselves more. Essentially, they are destroying their own self-esteem and if their mate is particularly emotionally-abusive, it feeds into this narrative that they are not good enough and it becomes their normal. And many times, when these women do leave, they can only think about going back into the same relationship. They have been so conditioned to treating themselves this way that it is hard for them to see any other alternative. If they don’t desire to go back to the same relationship, they may recreate it in a new one if they don’t confront their feelings.

At an emotional level, they have stopped caring for their well-being, but logically, they still know this isn’t where they should be. What happens then is a war of wills, and in many cases, your emotions will usually win out. It’s easy to say things like ‘You deserve better than that’ and ‘You’ll find someone who will treat you right’ to them, but those phrases are appealing to their logical side. It is their emotional sides that need to be persuaded. When a woman is in an unhealthy relationship, she knowingly or unknowingly contributes to her own degradation. It doesn’t matter if she knows or not, because she always feel as if she should’ve known and places the blame at her own feet, which causes her to subject herself to more abuse. There is a lot of guilt and shame in these relationships, but the shame we need to acknowledge is the one that’s held by the victim, for it is these feelings that bind them to the past and never lets them go, forcing them to live out the same relationship over and over. Anyone can plainly see a bad relationship, but many people can never see why they stay. If you can answer that question, you can answer why they have built these emotional prisons for themselves.

Just because you’re right doesn’t mean that’s the right way of going about it.

image-adapt-960-high-black_peter_05a

You’ve probably been in a situation where you know you’re completely right so you aggressively push your view because you know you are right. Well, that’s probably not the best way to handle a it. A lot of times, those who are right really try to assert their positions because they know they are right. And then there are those who believe they are right as well and try to assert themselves, but that’s another story. The two are intertwined, but not synonymous. Personally, I have a pretty logical thought process, so when I know I am right, I tend to refuse to listen to other voices of dissent, which can work to my detriment sometimes. Once, I had a discussion with a coworker who was not familiar with a process that kept insisting they were right when I knew they had no clue of what they were talking about. Because I knew I was right, I tried to show them how to get to my line of thinking, but didn’t really take into consideration their feelings. Because I didn’t do that, the person tried to sabotage me later because they felt as if they weren’t properly listened to. This is what happens when you try to steamroll people without listening to the opposition even if you are right. It will come back to bite you. What I failed to recognize was that the person absolutely hated to be wrong and called out for it in public, which caused them to hold on to their hard feelings and try to ruin what I was working on to satisfy their own feelings. You can say that people shouldn’t do that, but that doesn’t stop them from being human and acting out their feelings. A lot of times in academic , political, and work settings, people don’t really assess feelings and how they play into situations, but when you don’t assess them, they will topple you as in the recent election.

Many intelligent people went into the election on the soundness of the polls, but never took into consideration how people felt. A lot of working-class Americans were fed up with the state of government. Democrats who fought for Bernie Sanders felt slighted and were not properly brought back into the fold, causing them to vote third party or not at all. A lot of Republicans didn’t like either party and decided not to vote, and then the political elite wondered where they went wrong. A lot of times, things are rolled out in government that aren’t properly explained to people and as such, the people resent that and question why the programs were implemented in the first place. One of those projects is Affirmative Action. I’ve heard white people express dismay at it because they see people of color who seemingly had the same socioeconomic level as them surpass them and only know that it was due to the color of their skin. Programs such as this are worthy, but if they are not explained to the masses, they will face opposition because those in the elite know it is right, but think there is nothing more to do because they are right. It even took me a long time to come to understand the purpose of Affirmative Action. To summarize, everyone is biased. Each race is predisposed to favor their own based on cultural, social, and economic cues. That does not mean it applies to everyone and every situation, but it is prevalent. Look up race blindness, where someone can recognize those within their own race, but have face blindness when it comes to other races different than them. There are all sorts of biases out there that may or may not benefit you. As such, if you are one race and go to an employer who is the same race, you may have a slight advantage over others who are not the same. Now imagine that on a large scale where the majority of employers are white. The results are going to be the same, but on a larger scale. There is no racism involved, but slight biases do exist that no one ever noticed. AA tried to correct this, but it cannot work if it is not explained.

On a personal and social level, this attitude can lead to the failure of things that are completely righteous and well-meaning, but just because they are right doesn’t mean it can be forced on others without considering their feelings and opinions. Recently, I’ve watched videos of the Black Pete, a blackface figure, from the Netherlands and how the people there have vigorously fought against the political correctness of this long-held tradition. Those who are agitating for change are correct in their estimations of the character being a racist emblem of a time gone by, and they are correct in protesting it, but they must also think about the opposition. When you question the validity of this tradition, these people take it as an assault against their heritage and who they are. When they feel assaulted, they will fight for what they feel is the disintegration of their people, when in actuality, it is just one racist aspect that can easily be changed. How it should be handled is not an easy answer, but it is easy to see that you need to take into consideration the feelings behind the character and what it means to the people. So the next time you know you’re right and the other party is completely in the wrong, try to consider not their position, but their feelings tied to their position instead. You don’t have to change their minds to see the rightness of your way of thinking, but you just have to acknowledge their dissent and how they are feeling. That is enough to open an honest dialogue of what is really operating beneath the spoken words and actions that you do see. Because it’s what you don’t see that will kill you. Am I right, Hillary?

The Media Apologizes For Election

beck-maher

If there’s one thing this election has unified, it’s the perceived intellectual and political pundits such as Bill Maher and Glenn Beck. Surprisingly, you can watch videos of both apologizing for their antagonizing stances on former political opponents in the past. Beck even goes so far as to admit his role in building up a right-wing base that was pretty baseless in their attacks. More than anything, you can see the role that news and media played in this election, and their genre was especially successful because they made sensationalized and hyper-focused assumptions about the other side, while pandering to their fan-base without giving differing viewpoints. That’s the world we live in: we want to listen only to those whom we agree with and as such, we refuse to even believe in the validity of other sources because they differ.

The media has a lot to be sorry for, but in the end, it comes down to us, and we label ourselves as Republicans and Democrats and assume each side is more right than the other. I have to admit that I am a Democrat, because not admitting that wouldn’t be fair to this article. The one thing I’ve heard that resonates with me is when Republicans ask why Democrats don’t care if they are supposed to have such bleeding hearts, and I have to admit that this is true. Most, but not all Democrats will fight tooth and nail for the rights of those who are under represented, but they will refuse to listen to voices of opposition, going so far as to label the opposition idiots, which causes them to hate them in turn. Democrats tend to fight for ideals, but they sometimes forget about the individual and the individual is more complex than just a set if ideas. Republicans tend to be more respectful with individuals, but not broad ideals, not realizing that these ideals do impact people who are different than them.

In no way am I saying one side is better than the other, for they both have arrived at the same impasse. As a Democrat, I realize where I stand, but I see now that I also cannot forget about those who have a different voice than I do even if that voice is intending to enact legislation that I don’t agree with. What we do instead is shout over the other and call the other side names instead of just respectfully listening. And my message to fellow Democrats is “you are right in what you believe, but just because you believe it doesn’t make the people who disagree with you go away.” Oftentimes, when you believe you are truly on a righteous path, you refuse to listen to the rhetoric of others because you know you are right, but knowing you are right doesn’t make you a compassionate person. Compassion for those who you do not agree with is what we should ultimately embrace, for we certainly cannot continue living in our own segregated bubbles.

http://money.cnn.com/2016/11/16/media/bill-maher-trump-apology/

Election Aftermath Thoughts

In my humble opinion, I believe this election was won by anger and fueled by fear. I think people on both sides were angry at the choices they were forced to contemplate and decided to vote 3^rd party or not at all. Secondly, those who were on the fence were afraid of change, which I don’t blame them for, and they choose the safer and more well-known route of a presidency. I hope this election will galvanize us into a nation that cares about each other and not particularly what we stand for. The truth is, we all care for this nation on either side, but accuse the other of not caring in the way we want them to. If we can just acknowledge this one truth, we should be able to understand each other better. Also, we as a whole need to listen to racists, sexists, homophobes, and others because their voices deserve to be heard as well. I’m not calling everyone who voted for the President this, because they exist on all sides, but this is what happens when you pretend to live in an insular intellectual world that you believe is right without acknowledging the dissident voices that exist in the crowd. It’s time to come off our high horses and embrace those that we do not agree with.

I woke up to this reality today and know a lot of people are afraid and confused, but some people also feel more confident about the direction their nation is heading in. I see a lot people who are rightfully angry lashing out at others and calling them names, but they don’t realize the implications of what they do. They are adding to the divide in this country and also demeaning the very people they are calling out. The very people we are accuse of being racist include minorities. Those who we say are sexists are also women. There are people who are against immigration who are 1^st generation immigrants. There are Black people who certainly don’t agree with the Black Lives Matter movement. That’s what’s great with this nation: you can have any opinion you want and it can be defended. I watched a short video on Facebook before the election that had Keith Olberman chastising women who would even think of voting for him. I think things like that were counter-productive because you can’t shame a group of people into your way of thinking. There was a lot of shame and humiliation in this election and people were able to overlook a lot of it to vote for their candidate for what they believed was the greater good. And here is where we stand.

I think the media will need to really look at how they covered this election and how much air they gave to sensationalized news. I think both parties will have to do soul searching on what their parties stand for and who they are catering to. I think White Americans are tired of having things taken from them without having anything explained to them. I think minorities in America are afraid of speaking up for what they want now. For the longest time, the dialogue in our country has been that of heated debate and passionate fervor without any understanding for the other side. I think the time has come for us to try to have a different dialogue, one that shows respect for our opponents while disagreeing with them. I think it is this passionate opposition that has fueled this presidency, because people are tired of not being heard even if their views are not politically correct. Those who are in the intellectual elite tend to bypass this mass of people because they think these feelings will simply dissipate with reason, but that is not the case. They have proven that they are a force to be reckoned with and should be treated with respect, and I must agree. It is a time for change and change comes in strange ways. We can continue to despise and ignore the other side, or we can choose to work with them. Most importantly, we must acknowledge the importance of people’s feelings as opposed to their logic, for that is what guides people’s votes.

A Hmong Woman’s Place

1340952976023

Divorce is frowned upon in our culture because it means you failed. The onus is put on the woman to strive to maintain and she is mostly blamed when a marriage disintegrates. Why didn’t you do more to keep your man? What did you do to make him unhappy? Did you not satisfy him for him to stray? So we tell our young nyabs (married female relatives) to endure more. Whatever the case is, the answer is always to endure. I’ve encountered one very young male individual who absolutely hated divorced women for no apparent reasoning. He saw them as the problem to everything, when in fact, they were liberated from this patriarchal system that sometimes indentured them to their married family. Not all Hmong marriages are unhappy and not all Hmong marriages are lacking, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues that are apparent. Oftentimes, people do not want to acknowledge the bad things because they do not want the whole to be painted in a bad light, and in doing so, these issues are never addressed from the few. This happens across all cultures and societies and we simply sweep it under the rug at the expense of women, minorities, the LGBT community, and more.

When there are more options, that means there is room for more than one voice, and some people are afraid of change. It is okay to be afraid of change, but to not allow these voices to come through is oppression and oppression comes in many forms. We use oppression through power, beliefs, and cultural and societal norms as propaganda to enforce our power. In our culture, a divorced woman is essentially branded a pariah and treated as less than in society, while a man is not seen in the same light. What this does is create an imbalanced power structure where men can choose to abuse their position in a relationship and women can choose to accept the abuse. This does not just exist in our culture, but cultures everywhere. When a woman is afraid of becoming a social pariah, she will choose to suffer many indignities because she knows what her fate will hold for her.

As a nyab, some young girls are subjected to harsh mother-in-laws who force them to cook and clean around the clock because they have been bought. This is another power structure that forces women to bow down to their elders because they feel indebted to them because money has been paid to their parents. Sometimes, this money is seen simply as an offering and is given to the married couple to start their lives, but in some cases, it can be used as leverage to control a woman who isn’t behaving as her husband would like. Some argue that it is a perfectly sound custom because we’ve been doing it for centuries, and it is, but there are people who exist who exploit this system for their gain, and once again, it is at the expense of women.

When a woman chooses divorce, she chooses to empower herself, and I think some people are afraid of that power. When a woman stands up to her mother-in-law, it topples the power structure, and some people resent that, but that is how change comes about. If we Hmong women want change, we must know that the change lies in us. When you choose to stand up for yourself, you gain the ire of the community, but you will also command their respect. For you can either choose to have them accepting of you and not their respect, or you can choose to have their disapproval and their respect. We are so afraid to stand up for ourselves because we don’t want to upset the balance of society, but it has always been stacked against you. The change that must come about will come in having your voice heard. When you are heard, you will know the power that you hold and no one can take that away from you.

Cheating yourself out of your own life

o 28413997794_3f8c608538_m

Recently, I’ve had to deal with a harsh reality of a family member refusing to undergo medical intervention to save their life. Without it, they would eventually die in two years. The reality is that many of us are going through personal situations at the moment, but not all of us are emotionally equipped to deal with it. After I came home from the hospital visiting them, my boyfriend asked me how I could be so happy when I was staring at such a harrowing situation. That is how you deal with it. Feel and acknowledge all your emotions in the moment. Process and understand them fully. If you decide to suppress them, they will come out in other ways. Deal with the situation in the moment, but it is not something that should permeate the rest of your life. Let go of expectations for others because you will only find disappointment at the end of that rope. Accept that whatever may come will pass with all you could’ve done.

We are not meant to live in grief and misery, yet we think that we have to wallow there to appear as if we care. You can care without doing so. Everything is transitory and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you will be able to accept any and all outcomes. At the end of the day, I hope you can say that you tried your best and that is all you can hope for. I can live with the idea that I tried my best even if the outcome is not what I predicted, for it is something out of my control. We can only control how we react to situations, not the situations themselves, and yet, we feel guilty when the situation goes awry. We beat ourselves up and hold ourselves accountable for other people’s decisions, forces of nature, and diseases we cannot comprehend. This helps no one and it certainly does not help the situation. We need to learn to reset our feelings everyday so they don’t bleed into each other and only take responsibility for the moment. Start with a clean slate.

We spend our whole lives worrying and hating ourselves for things out of our control and it is these emotions and not the actual events that haunt us. How is it useful to anyone to keep wallowing in these emotions? The only thing it does is destroy our self-esteem and our future relationships with other people who come into contact with us. We carry these shards of hurt with us because we blame ourselves and act as if they do not affect us and when someone happens to stumble upon one, the emotions of the event pricks us with pain. This is what we’ve always done, but it is not healthy.

I once watched a show where a dying man asked a Tibetan monk what to do with his life as he was scared because he was dying. The monk gave some general answers, but this is what I would say: You only have so many days left. Why do you use them to feel anxious and worried? It is okay to feel so, but when it takes over the rest of your life, it is no longer useful. You should worry about the problem for a time, but don’t let it consume the rest of your day. Death is coming for us all and I hope you can die feeling proud of the person you are today. If you are not, then you should take actions to change that. Do all you can physically to live, but mentally, you need to accept that death is coming or you will always worry about something that is out of your control. Enjoy the rest of your days the best you can and tackle situations as they come along, but don’t let them consume the rest of your happiness for you are only cheating yourself out of your own life.

Letting go of what you want

I sometimes wonder what this is all for. Why we even try at all? I know all of these things already, but the questions persist because there is so much chaos that exists in this world. As I mature, I start to see what this world is really about and how it operates and I wonder at how people just blindly accept it, but at the same time, I know this is my reality for the moment. As a kid, you hope for change and you aspire to be the agent of change, but as you grow, you see that you are but a cog in the machine. And even without you, the machine churns on. So what is it that we are to change? I think we wanted to change the world, but we have to realize the world only changes when we change ourselves and our mindsets.

As emotional beings, we are constantly looking to be fulfilled, and that can be impossible at times, so we feel defeated and lethargic about ourselves and the reality we live in. It is impossible to feel happy all the time, and we have to accept that. We look for change in the world perhaps because we want the change to represent us, but if we choose to represent ourselves, the change is already apparent. When you embody all that you believe in, you are living your truth and others will see it. You can’t save the world and you can’t even save the people in your life and that is something you have to accept to be happy. If you keep holding on to the idea that you will be able to enact change in one person or one cause, you will be sorely disappointed. Know that you are doing your best and that is enough.

Oftentimes, we hold on to ideas because they are what we want the most in the world. We want our friend to stop seeing that terrible guy. We want that job promotion. We want our mother to have a closer relationship to us. We want a baby. We want our children to be happy. What we don’t realize is that if we keep holding on to these desires without any change, we will feel empty and disappointed that life did not go our way. I’m not saying that you stop trying for these things, but that you stop desiring these things when they are out of your reach. When you let go of your desire for what you want the most, you are truly free to accept what life gives you and simply enjoy it. There is too much chaos that exists in this world to guarantee one way or another that you will fulfill your desires, but if you can let go of your expectations, you can change your mindset enough to enjoy what you do have.

Still waiting for the sparks and fireworks?

7014905-fireworks-night-background

Your soul can feel like a frequency and when someone recognizes yours and their frequency harmonizes with yours, you feel a deep connection. We search for this raw connection in all our relationships, hoping it is the one thing that will lead us to our one true love. We operate on feelings and wavelengths, but these things only result in emotional attachments, but not actual working relationships. You can feel love. You can’t feel someone else’s love for you, but you can feel electricity in the air when you are interested in someone. You feel a physical and emotional connection that can bond you, but just because you lack these things doesn’t mean you can’t have a successful relationship. Love in its first incarnation is based on these factors, but these are the factors that eventually fade away in the mundane routines of life. A relationship is not built on any of these things. You can love a drug addict with all your heart, but that doesn’t mean your relationship will be good, for that is what feeling love is like: being hooked on drugs. There are also people who know how to kindle an emotional bond to hook you, but they may not be the best at a relationship. If you find you’re not feeling the emotional bond or sparks, it doesn’t mean you should just quit. You need to ask if there is enough there to start the foundation of a relationship.

How does one become an expert at forming emotional bonds but not relationships? You have to learn to spot the details. There are tricks to the trade. A good trick is simply engaging in eye contact for a few seconds to establish a connection. There’s a lot that goes on when you first look at someone and there’s a lot to be read into them as well, so if you know this trick, you can employ it to your advantage. Someone can make you feel wanted and secure by lecturing you. Sometimes, girls feel cared for when a guy looks out for her well-being and makes sure she is safe. Does every guy who does this aware of what he is doing? Obviously not, but those who are aware of its advantages can use it for their own gain. And oddly enough, if they remember some inane detail you uttered and repeat it later to you, you’ll feel as if they are really into you. The best trick is to tell her personal things about yourself, which makes her feel as if she’s privy to things no one else is. These things make a girl feel wanted and emotionally connected, but they do not ensure a good relationship. I’ve seen guys who are really good at this easily snag girls but watch as their relationships deteriorate because they have no idea how to maintain them.

What does this mean? Are you settling for a relationship instead of the fireworks and sparks? Can you have both? Yes, you can definitely have both, but oftentimes, I see girls hold on to failing relationships because they can’t let go of the sparks they initially felt. Other times, I see girls taken in by the charms and tricks only to find the guy had no real intentions for a relationship and they wonder if their feelings were real or not. Recognize them for what they really are and how they affect you. Your soul is a frequency, but there are people who have learned to tweak it and you are vulnerable to them because you crave the emotional connection so much. All of our childhoods, we are taught to never settle for less, so we keep letting good guys go because we don’t feel immediate sparks when in actuality, they may just be bad at forming emotional bonds. Yet, some of us wonder why we keep dating the wrong type of guys when we are only looking for the sparks.

The Mindset Revolution

Retraining how you think.

Author: mindsetrevolution83