Adjusting To Motherhood


Since having a child, I’ve had to adjust to motherhood and am doing so badly.  What I didn’t realize is that not only would I have to change my habits, but I would also need to change my mental habits.  The thing you’ll hear the most from a new parent is how tired they are, but not only are they in need of sleep and deeply fatigued, but they are mentally drained.   I think every expectant parent knows that they will have time constraints once their child arrives, but they do not understand the toll it will take on them mentally.  No one quite tells you that you will yell at your child because you are tired.  You will be short with them.  You will not always listen to them.  Not because you don’t care for them, but that you are fighting to have time for yourself and your children and it is a losing battle.  You will have your good days and your bad days and it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent on your bad days.

When you were childless, you had much more free time and options to spend your time, but didn’t know how valuable this time was because it was yours and you didn’t have to choose.   Now, your child consumes a large portion of your time and you find it hard to spend a few minutes on yourself.  Because of this, you may become short with your partner or children because it is extremely hard to go from having all the time in the world to no time for yourself.  What we should do is temper our expectations.  Let’s say that when you were without child, you had about 5 hours a day where you could  take time to take a shower, read, watch a movie, play games, clean, or whatever else you wanted to do.  Now, you have the same amount, but only 1 hour to spend on yourself, and to compare 1 to 5, you feel as if you have absolutely no time for yourself and you feel as if you are losing out.  What we need to realize is that we need to accept that we only have one hour and maximize that time as best as we can.

Oftentimes, what we will do is spend the time trying to indulge in something we want to do, so we may not take care of ourselves or clean because we feel as if we are entitled to the whole hour because we used to have 5, but that is not the case.  We have to mentally train ourselves to understand that we don’t have 5 hours anymore and we must prioritize the one hour instead of letting the hour consume us and realize that we haven’t actually done anything productive, leading us to feel even worse about ourselves.  Understand that we can break that hour down and concentrate 10 minutes on one task, 20 on another and 30 on another.  This will make us feel as if we are accomplishing more and doing more instead of actually spending the hour on ourselves and feeling as if we did nothing.  However, we may still spend the time doing absolutely nothing on some days and that’s okay as well as long as we know we’re going to get back on track.  The trick is not feeling as if we have less time now than when we were without children, but understanding that we need to utilize the time we do have to ourselves.

Why People Hate Greta Thunberg

16-year-old Swedish Climate activist Greta Thunberg speaks at the 2019 United Nations Climate Action Summit at U.N. headquarters in New York City, New York, U.S.

Greta Thunberg gave an impassioned speech at the U.N.’s Climate Action Summit in New York City and the animosity has been swift and fast for this 16-year-old from Sweden.  A guest on a Fox news program The Story with Martha MacCallum called her ‘disgraceful’ and a ‘mentally ill Swedish child’ because she has Asperger’s syndrome.  Laura Ingraham continued the hatred by equating her to murderous, zombie-like children from Stephen King’s Children of the Corn.  Most unsettling is how regular citizens speak about her and discredit her desire to protect the environment.  When David Hogg spoke out against gun violence, the very same people said the most vile things about this high school kid by threatening him and calling him all sorts of names.  At least with David Hogg, I could understand why because these people perceived that he was ‘taking away their guns,’ but what exactly is Greta Thunberg taking away from them that they feel they must undermine her?

People have chosen to discredit her with her age, her Asperger’s condition, her nationality, and more.  I’ve noticed that anytime high-school or middle-school children protest, people question if these children really grasp the concept of what they’re doing and say that they are simply doing it for fun.  When athletes protest police brutality, they ask why they are being paid so much money.  When women speak out about sexual violence, their authenticity is questioned.  Let’s look at the inverse?  Are old people ever wrong?  Does anyone ever question why the owners of athletic teams make so much money?  Are men held to the same standards as women in regards to their believability?  The truth is, we use easy arguments against those we don’t agree with because it’s easier to attack these things than the real argument at hand.  If we can discredit a part of who they are, then we can discredit their ideas as well.

What exactly is it about Greta Thunberg that makes so many want to discredit her?  She is not trying to take anything away from anyone, but what she is showing is power and when someone gains power that we don’t feel they should have, we go after them to make ourselves feel better.  As such, we must ask who has the most power?  It is the latter examples in the last paragraph: older people, the owners, and men.  However, we have already ascribed power to these people, so when they make a show of it, we don’t bat an eye, but when those we perceive as lower than us do it, we immediately try to take them down because they threaten who we are.  They threaten our status quo and what we believe the power dynamic should be.  When our perceptions are threatened, we are scared and as such, lash out at children that are innocent of any crime.  Power is a tricky thing, but even more tricky is our perception of it.

Should You Go To College?


So you’re 18 and everyone is telling you that you have to go to college.  Your friends are all going.  Your parents want you to go.  You think you want to go, but is it the right move?  For me, I once saw college as the beacon of hope for those who wanted to rise above their stations, but now, I see it as a system that needlessly mires you in debt, bleeding you at every turn.  At one point, my advice would’ve been to go to college and to never look back, but now, I don’t think like that and neither do many of my peers who also attended college.  What has shifted over the years?  For one, I graduated in 2005 and found it hard to land a job without any experience even though I had a degree. Then I moved during the 2008 financial recession and found I had to take two part-time, low-wage jobs to make ends meet.  I saw that my degree didn’t mean anything.  I received a degree in English and many may say that I didn’t pick a ‘useful’ degree, but it was a degree nonetheless, and it was supposed to be a leg-up on others who didn’t have it, except I found that those with connections, excellent interview skills, and experience actually had the leg-up and not me.  So why was society pushing me to go to college and why was I perpetuating a system that didn’t help others?

The social climate we live in now is very much different than the one our parents grew up or even just a decade before I went to school.  At one point, a degree did mean opportunities and doors opening to you, but the over saturation of the market in more recent years means that a degree doesn’t hold the same value anymore.  Along with rising tuition and costs, the enormous debt that students incur with attending school, kids are not really reaping the benefits of a degree anymore, so why should they be encouraged to attend?  For me, school was a wonderful experience to be independent, grow, and make friends, but I could’ve done all of that at a technical institute.  Luckily, I earned a scholarship that paid for the majority of my school and walked out nearly debt-free, but many of my peers did not and still cannot afford to buy a house or get married to start a family to this day.  They are still tied to this large debt they incurred when they were young and promised a life that never came true.  So what is my advice to kids who are facing this dilemma today?  Should you go to college?  Should you take a year off?  Should you go to a technical school?

First of all, no one talks about the cost and the economic impact it will have on you as you age.  Look at the cost of the schools you want to attend and map out how much that will cost you for four years.  Imagine interest being added on.  How long do you think it will take for you to pay off $60,000?  It’s like a mortgage payment, but you don’t have anything to show for it.  Loans will ask you to cosign, but many co-signers don’t realize that if the student defaults, they will be responsible for the full amount.  Student loans can’t be discharged due to bankruptcy.  If you have a student loan, you will have it for life, so think of it as college herpes, because it’s not going away.  Did you put references on your application?  Guess what?  The loan servicer will call them if they can’t get a hold of you.  How do I know?  Because I worked for one.  No one tells you these things when you’re signing your life away.  Some people say ‘well, kids, you should’ve known all these before you started school, but you didn’t, and it’s your fault now.’  Really?  People like to place blame on individuals when they don’t understand the issue is the system, for when the system is the issue, it means we’re all to blame.  Until the system is drastically changed, I don’t think college is a viable option for those who are struggling to get a better life.  You may be one of the few who actually gets a ‘good’ degree and then lands a ‘great’ job, but even then, you are still thousands of dollars in debt.

Let’s answer some of those questions from earlier.  Should you go to college?  It’s up to you.  Some positions ask for more experience so that it is wiser to start working right away than to get a degree first.  Some jobs that never had a prerequisite for a degree before have started requiring one now because they know college students are less likely to leave because they need to pay their college loans.  Are you thinking of pursing a certain field or path and know exactly what you want to do?  I say go ahead.  Now, you don’t have to get accepted into the most prestigious school and attend it for four years.  Look at smaller colleges.  Look at religious colleges.  Religious colleges are much more expensive, but some offer full scholarships.  Try to avoid schools that are for-profit such as DeVry and University of Phoenix.  If you can get this education at a lower price, I urge you to do so.  This will save you so much money in the end.  Try to stay in-state, as the tuition will be cheaper, or look to see if your state has an agreement with other neighboring states for lower tuition.  If you have a dream school, you may want to attend a smaller college in your town for the first two years and then transfer to your dream school for the remainder of your degree so you can graduate from that school.  Being able to go to school in your hometown and living with your parents will save you money and possibly save you from living with them after college.

Should you take a year off?  As a teenager, I was told that it was extremely detrimental to take a gap year because the majority of those kids would never attend college.  However, studies have shown this is not the case nowadays.  This fear tactic really sunk into me and I was very fearful for any kid to take a year off, but now, I think it’s perfectly fine to do so.  What happens if you don’t take a gap year?  You go to college.  You pick a degree.  You don’t like it.  You change degrees.  You graduate.  You enter the workforce.  You don’t like your profession.  You wish that you could go back for another degree.  A gap year allows you to see into the future.  To see what work is like.  What is the real world like?  What do you want to do?  What jobs are available?  Oftentimes, as kids, we live in a fantasy world where we are told we can do anything and as we’re so optimistic, we think we can achieve everything, but the truth is, there are very limited positions that exist and we have no idea what they are.  It’s good to get an idea of what is out there and what you are willing to do, what you’re capable of, and what inspires you.  Whatever the profession, find something that fulfills you, for all the money in the world is not worth a job that you hate and is slowly killing you.

Should you go to a technical school?  I once watched a t.v. program where a child had to attend a technical school for two years first before attending a 4-year institution to the horror of the ‘experts’ at the time that decried that the child’s education was being water downed, but that was a different time and era.  The truth is, no one should be telling you what is valuable to you and what isn’t in terms of what your education is because they are not the ones paying for it.  You are.  Times have changed and so have technical institutions.  You can go to a technical school for your generals and transfer to a 4-year college.  You can get a certificate.  You can get an associate’s degree.  You can graduate with a skilled trades degree that will earn more than many people who graduate with a four-year degree.  There is no longer a stigma to going to a technical school and I would encourage my child to go there when they are older.  Take nursing.  You can earn a degree from a technical college.  A four-year institution.  Or a medical school.  Which do you think is the cheapest?  Obviously the technical school and that may be the only degree you need for some places that do not require a four-year degree.  The point is, there are a lot of options, so look at it from a financial aspect, and not always what is the best school aspect.

A long long time ago when I was young, I read an article that asked why kids can’t go to college simply for the love of the education no matter the degree.  The article stated that we shouldn’t focus so much on how much money we should be making but instead on what we may learn instead.  We no longer have the luxury or privilege to think like this or let anyone else think that this is the norm.  It is because of people who thought like this that we are in the situation are now.  Times have changed and yet, our mind-sets have been slow to do so.  It is only with our younger generation that the shift has happened because we have been the ones to live it.  Once you get your degree, just know that it doesn’t guarantee you anything. Also, remember when you really wanted to get into a prestigious school and shunned the smaller colleges because you wanted the allure of the bigger school?  When you interview for a job, no one cares where your degree is from.  You might run into the occasional bro who bonds over your old alma mater, but usually, that doesn’t really happen.  Employers are looking to see if you’ll be a good fit and even though some positions require a degree, it means very little after you meet that requirement.  Everything else depends on how well you do in the interview, but that’s another post for another day.

The Art of Reading Another Human

Woman reading in the park under a tree.

We like to think that we are all good judges of character and imagine we’re able to see through to the heart of a liar, but the truth is, we rely too much on our own personal prejudices and experiences to really understand the differences.  A new movie out on Netflix, Unbelievable showcases the true story of a young woman named Marie who was brutally raped and tied up in her own home by a masked intruder.  When she reported the crime, her world turned upside down because she wasn’t believed, resulting in the police charging her with a crime.  Marie grew up in foster homes and had been molested before in her past, and when she reached out to one of her former foster mothers, the foster mother said she didn’t believe Marie because she didn’t sound upset.  Her foster mother said she had also been raped at one point and saw that Marie’s experience didn’t match up to hers.  She told the lead detective this and he agreed with her when he would see her laughing and joking after the incident as if it didn’t bother her.  Because of how they perceived what a rape victim should appear like, they concluded that she made up the whole thing for attention.

Another Netflix movie concerning Amanda Knox really underscores this point as well when she recounts what happened after the murder of her roommate Meredith Kercher.  She is first suspected of murder because she is not acting as a normal friend of a victim should act as the police viewed her calmly talking to her boyfriend and not being emotional.  What I realized from watching the documentary was that Amanda Knox is a logical thinker and as such, she does not react emotionally to events, which the police mistook for clues of being a sociopath killer.  If you tell an emotional thinker that you are having a bad day, they may commiserate with you and tell you to cheer up.  If you tell a logical thinker the same thing, they may give you solutions instead, which some may view as cold because they didn’t react in the same way as the emotional thinker.  Logical thinkers are not looking to emotionally support you, but want to provide actual solutions because that’s how they think.  Because Amanda could not perform as a ‘normal’ person emotionally, many people to this day still believe that she had a hand in the murder of her roommate because they know they wouldn’t act in such a way during a murder investigation.

In 1988, Martin Tankleff woke up to find his father profusely bleeding and near death and his mother dead in their bedroom.  When he summoned the police, he told them that he thought his father’s friend committed the crime, but all the police saw was that he was oddly unemotional about the deaths, leading them to believe that he wasn’t normal.  And if wasn’t normal, he could commit a crime that no normal person could, assuming he murdered his parents for their great wealth.  The police tricked him into an oral confession, telling him that his father miraculously awoke and told them his son committed the crime when he actually died at the hospital.  As Martin was raised to trust the police knew his father never lied, he initially agreed, but refused to sign the confession.  Because of his oral confession, the jury sentenced him to 50 years and he fought for 17 years to prove his innocence to finally be freed.  Later on, Martin would say that he didn’t have a reaction because he was in shock, but it was too late as the police already thought they had their culprit.  They just needed a confession and never pursued his father’s friend, who most likely orchestrated the murders.

Why do we think we can read people and think that we can parse the truth from other’s actions, but not their words?  We want to believe that we are all masters of understanding how humans work and we will not retract our statements if confronted with the truth.  Why?  Because you must be a master to know humans if you know yourself.  We think that everyone else thinks like us and therein lies the fault, for many people do not think and react like us.  When we use our own emotional history and personal background to judge and condemn others, especially those in precarious situations, it ends with disastrous results.  Marie didn’t act like an average rape victim perhaps because of her rocky childhood and how she had been molested previously.  Amanda Knox didn’t think as an emotional thinker, so she didn’t understand that she was on display at the moment and needed to convey those motions.  Martin Tankleff was too stunned to react and the police took this a sign that he was emotionally cold and capable of murder.  However, it is those who are sociopaths who really understand this concept of playacting and feign emotions so they can trick us, but we don’t care to discuss them because we want to feel as if we are the ones who saw through someone, so we concentrate on those we think are trying to fool us.

The truth is, we are not good at reading humans.  We don’t understand how an average rape victim is supposed to react.  We want to think we are clever and as such, we deny those that we think are guilty because we have already assumed they are trying to pull the wool over our eyes.  And in cases where the truth comes out, such as the Central Park 5, we do not back down because to admit that we were wrong is to admit that perhaps we can’t read humans after all and as such, we don’t know who we are.  Instead of trying to read others in our own image, we should try to ascertain who they are and what their reasoning is.  We may find that not everyone is like us and we shouldn’t fear the ones that can’t pretend to emote, but rather, we should be wary of the ones that do know how.  Except, we can’t read them.


Mile of Murder

Part 1

Day Street is a residential street that is synonymous with murder to many of the people who live in Green Bay.  It is a street that is steeped in horror, legend, and fear, but also one that resembles any other street in downtown Green Bay.  Located on the city’s near east side, it measures approximately 1 mile in length and includes many lower to mid-level income families in a mix of rental units and owner-occupied housing.  You can see children playing in front yards, teenagers riding their bicycles on the sidewalks, and families out for a stroll on an average warm, summer day.  However, you would’ve also seen multiple condemned properties in the past and the occasional police car stopped near the curb.  Day Street is an aging street that has seen a wave of demographic changes over the years, but continues to remain a source of anxiety for residents because of the events that unfolded there and the stories surrounding them.  It’s not that the concentration of crimes pertaining to that specific street are more numerous than any other part of the city, but rather the ones committed there have been extremely heinous, leading to this view.

The most heinous of all the murders that occurred on Day Street was the murder of a five-year-old Hmong girl named Nancy Thao, who attended a nearby elementary school.  No one could have imagined that Johnson Greybuffalo, a young Native man with a child of his own, would be so cruel as to kill a small child that simply woke up to interrupt him stealing into their apartment in the middle of the night.  If she were alive, she would be a few years younger than me today, but she never got the chance to live out her life.  The most well-known murder that became national news was that of Tom Monfils, which took place at the James River Paper Mill at the start of Day Street.  5 of the 6 men who the courts convicted of the crime have been released or are just now being released after serving their time, but there are still numerous people who believe that all the men were innocent and continue to espouse the theory that the victim actually took his own life.  From 1988 to today, the string of murders and crimes that have plagued this particular street continue to haunt its inhabitants.

The following murders occurred on Day Street: Clinton Cardish was beaten to death by his former cellmate on May 13, 1995, Lorenzo Ayalla was shot and killed by an acquaintance on January 28, 1995, who later left the country and was never caught, Nancy Thao was stabbed to death by Johnson Greybuffalo in the attempt of a burglary on July 22, 1994, Tom Monfils was beaten, bound, and thrown into a paper pulp vat by disgruntled co-workers on November 21, 1992, Eugene McIntosh was stabbed to death by his wife on April 30, 1988, Ouida Wright was killed by her boyfriend on May 3, 2013, and Ricardo Gomez was shot by Richard Arrington on April 2, 2016.  It is hard to believe that such misery and crime could happen in the stretch of only one mile, but these murders now define the street and how people view it.

According to the United States Census, the population for Green Bay was 104,879 persons in July of 2018.  In 2010, that number stood at 103,911 and 102,313 in 2000 respectively.  Green Bay has not grown as exponentially as Madison throughout the years, but the suburbs surrounding the city such as De Pere and Howard have thrived.  This was very apparent when we first moved to Day Street in the late 1990’s, when droves of families who previously lived there escaped to the suburbs and subsequently were replaced with a more multi-cultural landscape.  Along with a more multicultural population, Green Bay also saw an influx of workers who always lived on farms or traveled long distances to reach work in the city due to a scarcity of work in their towns and villages.  Although the population size has not increased much, the demographics of the inner city have changed over the years with different groups of people moving in.  This has led to tensions in a small town that always identified itself as a small-town, all-American city.

I’ve lived on Day Street three times in three different houses in my life.  The first time was when my parents bought a house, which was not an easy feat for an immigrant family that struggled to speak the language and understand the societal norms.  I recall my mother saying that she heard terrible rumors about the street and wasn’t eager to move there, but with the low price of the house and how close it was situated to everything else, my parents changed their minds and closed the deal.  We moved in after the murder of Nancy Thao and I would get chills every time we passed the former residence.  At that time when we first moved, I distinctly recall many for sale signs planted in lawns all around our neighborhood.  It was very apparent that families who had lived there for years had decided it was time to move due in part to the crime in the 90’s.  The neighborhood was definitely changing and our family and others like ours were part of that change.

Green Bay has added multi-cultural events celebrating all this diversity to the city through picnics, town talks, and more.  However, this doesn’t change the fact that more minorities and low-income families are affected by crime because of the lack of affordable housing and job advancement.  The median income of a household in 2017 was $45,473 as opposed to the 2017 national median income of $61,372.  While the official national poverty stats of 2017 was at 12.3%, Green Bay had 17% of its residents living in poverty.  A majority of those living in poverty either live downtown or in certain areas that provide more affordable housing.  These groups of people then experience more hardships because of where they live, making it tougher to rise out of poverty and where they are.  Race also plays into how victims and perpetrators are treated in a town that is overwhelmingly white.  In the trial of Johnson Greybuffalo, a juror expressed fears that she might not be partial enough because she thought poorly of both Hmong people and Native Americans.  This casual racism is usually unspoken, but is always there as people fear a foreign race who they assume are taking over their lands and rights, leading to apathy for a little girl that was murdered and for those that continued to inhabit the space of those who discarded it.

My life has been intertwined with this particular street and with that, some of the crimes that have happened on it.  My parents moved from Illinois to the city when I was barely one and I have spent the majority of my life here.  While living on Day Street, I have actually heard a gunshot that killed someone, knew one of the murderers as a young teenager, and attended the funeral of one of the victims.  Since Green Bay is a relatively smaller city, some residents have a connection to one or more the crimes that have occurred on the street, and some even have knowledge of the actual crimes that took place.  Currently, I work at a correctional center that some of these same murderers have either lived in or moved through.  Having worked in a maximum-security prison, I have seen all sorts of offenders from those who trafficked drugs to those who committed homicide.  There are various misconceptions about what happens to inmates once they are incarcerated and what goes on behind the locked gates, but the truth is that although the whole prison system nation-wide could be reformed, it is not what some make it out to be.

Despite these things, I’m proud to call this city my home and am excited for the changes that have occurred so far.  Although wages in the city are not as high as Madison or Milwaukee, the cost-of-living is very accommodating to growing families.  Rents are relatively lower than the more populous cities and crime occurs at a much considerably lower rate here than Madison or Milwaukee.  When I attended UW-Madison, I remember a body being dragged from the water the first few weeks I was there and it didn’t even make front page news.  Many residents of Green Bay will claim that the city is becoming more and more crime-ridden, but the data shows that crime overall has been down over the decades.  In 1993, the national murder rate was 9.5 murders for every 100,000 while it was 5.3 for every 100,000 in 2017.  The reason it may appear as if crime is occurring more is that specifically for Green Bay, it doesn’t happen regularly, so when it happens, it becomes front page news, whereas it is barely a mention for larger cities.  The more we hear about crimes, the more we think it is happening.  However, it could easily be attributed to the fact that we are getting the information at a faster rate than we ever have before and that is why it feels as if there is more crime when there isn’t.

With social media, the spread of harrowing news such as kidnapping and lost children are rapidly fed into our Facebooks and Twitter accounts and continuously shared, with almost no lag time in between the incident and the post.  If a child goes missing in a small city, even those in cities two states over will know and share the posts by the end of the day.  Technology has allowed for information to proliferate like never before, allowing it reach people that may have never known previously.  However, it also added an inflated sense of fear as people think that crime is getting worse, when in actuality, they are just hearing about it more.  We thrive on fear because it is an innate, primal instinct that has kept us alive through the centuries.  Fear is ingrained into our DNA whether we like it or not, and although we like to believe we are move evolved than that, we simply are not.  We seek out fear.  We court fear and we can influence people through fear.  The more we deny this small truth, the more those who understand the power of fear can use it to control us.  What is at the root of fear is the desire to stay alive.  Those who spread fear are seen as heralders of safety even if they are wrong.

We don’t fault someone for spreading misinformation because we feel as if they did it in the hopes of keeping us safe.  We also continue to spread misinformation even if it’s been proven wrong because we feel it’s our duty to keep others safe.  To understand fear, we must understand how the instinct has worked for so long. We as a race have used fear to survive and thrive, and because of it, we seek out fear to keep us alive.  We want to be scared to within an inch of our lives on roller coasters, haunted houses, and paint ball games.  We want to know fear, but a controlled fear because it is exhilarating.  I saw a post on Facebook on a community policing page where someone reported a group of men for trying to kidnap children into sex slavery.  Some commenters stated that the police already investigated the situation and found that it was merely a bible group who was aggressively trying to recruit, but this did not stop people from sharing after the fact.  We live for fear because it keeps us alive and we excuse those that rile up the fear in us because we thrive on it. Real crime does happen every day, but the perception of crime is what we hold on, for we have been conditioned to do so.

There is a difference between reporting accurately on crimes that occurred and willingly spreading false information that others debunked.  With the first, one is simply relaying information about a crime that has occurred, but the latter helps spread an unfounded story that further causes more misinformation and fear in the community.  With this book, I hope to accurately inform the readers of the crimes that took place on Day Street, but it is in no way a recrimination of the street or the people that live there.  Oftentimes, we will indict a whole race based off of the crime of one individual or in this case, a whole street.  Day Street is a street that I grew up on and holds many misconceptions about it due to these crimes, but it is still one that families have decided to live on.  It is not always in the best of conditions and does not always house the best of tenants, but it still deserves the truth.  For those who have chosen to escape it and those who have chosen to stay, the truth still remains.






Mourning a Break-up: The hurt you feel


When you go through a break-up, you will hear things like ‘You’ll laugh about this in a few years,’ and ‘You’ll find better,’ but these things are only helpful once you’ve gone through the entire experience and come out the other side.  These comments also downplay the hurt and pain you are feeling in the moment.  Sometimes, your identity is wrapped up in the relationship, so much so that when it ends, you lose who you are and your fear for the future increases because the safety net is no longer there.  With the attachment theory, partners in a relationship generally look to each other for security, comfort, and closeness.  A break-up can sometimes mean that you are completely lost and emotionally scarred, and it does not help to hear others talk about it as if it is meaningless.  These people mean well and are in correct in their assumptions that you will one day laugh about it, but they do not realize they are minimizing your pain.

There is no research on the direct correlation between break-ups and suicides, but they do happen.  Break-ups are serious and when they aren’t treated as such, there is a stigma around it where the person thinks they must also act like it doesn’t matter when they are crying for help internally.  Many people laughed at Selena Gomez for going to therapy after her break-up to Justin Bieber, but what she did shines a light on how break-ups should be viewed.  Those who scoff at these things have also gone through a break-up, but no longer remember the immediate pain that occurred, and as such, they devalue the experience of those who are currently going through it.  It affects you if you admit it or not.  Sometimes, a break up will devastate you and sometimes, it will free you, but either way, it is a loss that must be mourned.  If we don’t take the time to mourn the death of our relationships, we will never acknowledge the depth and breadth of what it once meant to us and what it means to not have it anymore.

There is nothing that will ease the pain and the process is different for everyone, but know that whatever you experience is true and real.  If it doesn’t hurt, then you weren’t investing as much as you should have into the relationship or it was already dead at that point.  Even when you leave an abusive relationship, it is odd to feel sadness because you know you shouldn’t be in it, but it’s okay to mourn it.  With abusive relationships, you still have the right to feel whatever you feel afterwards.  If you don’t process your feelings, you may be prone to enter the same type of partnership again.  Break-ups are a time for reflection: to think about who you are and what you want.  It means giving yourself time to grow into the person you want to be.  It also means giving yourself time to heal.  Keep yourself busy.  Talk to friends.  Find new activities.  Challenge yourself.  None of these things will help with the pain, but these things will keep you busy.  The key is to find a good balance between contemplation and action.  Too much of just one means you are trying to avoid the hurt.  Either the hurt of going through pain or the hurt of accepting the finality of what has happened.

There are no easy answers.  No sayings that will make everything better.  It simply hurts and it’s okay to hurt.  Talk to your friends and if you need extra help, it is okay to seek out a professional.  The best thing you can do is to take care of your mental health.  Just take it one day at a time and don’t give up.  Sometimes when we break up, we come up with ‘what if’ scenarios.  What if I never find anyone else again?  Face that fear.  Answer that question.  What if you never find anyone again?  One day, you will be able to answer  with ‘I’ll be okay, then,’ and you’ll know you’re on the other side, but until then, don’t let others or yourself minimize your pain.


The Abusive Gentleman


I once had an ex who never once laid a hand on me because he was taught that a gentleman would never do such a thing, and as such, he considered himself a gentleman. He did, however, emotionally abuse me.  He had never learned not to emotionally abuse someone and although this was ultimately his failing and not his parents, it persisted in our relationship because I was also never taught to reject emotional abuse and recognize it for what it was.  For me, I was always fiercely vocal about my opinions and let him know when he did something wrong like punch a hole in the wall or yell at me in front of strangers like I was a child.  Because I thought I addressed the situation, I didn’t see myself as being emotionally abused and he had no idea that is what he was doing.

Emotional abuse can take many forms, and in my case, he was very verbal in telling me how I did things wrong, how I needed to conform to his liking, and isolated me from others who may have told me differently.  I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I ignored all these signs and stayed, but advocated for myself as well.  I developed a small gambling habit because it took my mind off my troubles and I realize now that if it starts up again, there is something else in my life that I’m avoiding.  He was always unhappy with me, but I know now that it was because he was very unhappy with who he was and instead, projected it unto me and that he wanted to make me as miserable as he was so he could feel better about himself.  The abuse is never about the victim.  It’s about what is happening to the abuser, but they make the victim feel as if it is their fault.

I now have a son and know that this something I must teach him.  First off, emotional abuse is abuse and just because you don’t hit a woman does not mean you’re a good man if you’re still berating them.  Secondly, I think we need to teach our boys how to handle rejection, what self-reflection is, and most importantly, build their self-worth.  The truth is, many boys may have a high self-esteem in that they see themselves worthy of more, but some of them feel as if they don’t deserve it and this causes them to lash out.  They may be able to get the job or the girl because they see they are worthy of, but deep down, they may feel as if they don’t really deserve it, so they sabotage themselves by losing what they got.  Of course, not all boys are like this, but I guarantee you that the ones who are abusive are and if we don’t address this issue when they are young, it will only grow larger as they do.